Delighted, Freed, Opened

I’m sitting here full of a rollar coaster of emotions…

Silly, goofy, giddy ones. Just a babble inside about all sorts of random, unimportant things.

I’m tired…there’s so much to do and so much change and so much motion ahead of me…and right now….it starts right now.

I’ve made huge emotional shifts in a short period of time too. All of a sudden a big burden of emotional baggage has lifted from me and I’m so…Light. I feel suddenly and unaccountably afraid that I’m going to float away.

My whole being is still feeling some grief about my husband. Suddenly, the time of really letting him go is upon me. I’ve mentally and emotionally, given myself this time to focus on letting go of my grief…this time since winter until my summer ceremony. I gave myself time to let that burden lighten and it has. I had planned to go to my ceremony and hand over the last of it…this adoration and feeling stricken about the loss of him.

Yes. I knew it was ending…but some where in the depths of my being, I hoped it wouldn’t happen. I prayed so hard for a miracle. I did everything I knew to do…I miss him…I still feel stricken with shock that its over somewhere inside me. I pick up the myriad little gifts he’s given me and twirl them in my fingers. I put on a necklace he gave me. I look at his photos. I speak to his son. I listen to his voice on my voice mail saying he loves me. I remember his scent.

And yet…They feel foreign to me. Some other person had these things. These memories must belong to some other woman…because they don’t fit me any more. How did that happen?

Soon it will be time to put him behind me…Who am I without him?

Oh yeah…here I am. I’m this person sitting here writing to you now. I’m the one who feels like she might float away…Yeah. That’s right. There I am. I know you sweetness…That’s you my girl. *smiles*

Perhaps when this time of letting go comes, I’ll finally feel able to be his friend. I would like that. I would like there not to be any hurt and regret between us any more. He’s always been such a good friend to me. He’s a wonderful friend to have. Loyal. Reliable. Wise. *sighs…*

And I’m filled with a desire to rush out and meet the future. To open my heart again. I really do feel like an excited giddy girl wanting to experiment and explore and enjoy and embrace without any fears. I look at that self in the mirror and I think…What the hell? Just two or three weeks ago, I was speaking to M like I’d never, ever be able to trust again. *shakes head…* And tonight, I’m pondering a desire to put my face in the hand of a man and let him hold my breath…to trust him with that. To trust him with my fragility…I am not thinking about the rest of my life with him. I’m just thinking of now. In this now, he’s a good man…a man with strong hands, that I want to kiss and put my face in. If he were here right this moment, I’d ask him very humbly to give me that attention without any hesitation…and then giggle at myself while I negotiate how he does it. LOL! Yet, I want to give myself into his hands because he’s taken several other scary tweaks in these two weeks since I first laid eyes on him…and I never ever once expected that.

I’m filled with this huge desire to watch a strong wonderful man kneel for me. Sometimes I wake up to this heat in me that feels like an arrow in me. It is a sharp pleasure…a masculinity in me that I’ve never quite contended with before in this way…and its a softness that I can’t explain even as its like that. My fingers yearn to touch every inch of someone who is Mine. I want to feel him tremble…I want to bite him…Devour him. I can’t explain this desire in me…but its there.

I am filled with wonder about this deep, mostly unacknowledged wish to belong…to belong to the land in a specific place…to watch a tree grow old with me….to belong to the sea and actually get to be there…to belong to a community again…to belong to hearts that embrace me just as I am…

I want to feel the gaze of a man on me. I want to feel his hands on me as he places a collar on my neck. I want to feel the emotional reality of his loving and protection of me. There is something about that which is wordless. I have never been able to articulate it, but its deep in me, this desire. Its at the heart of my pain and shock about my husband…and yet its been freed. That part of me my husband once held is freed and wistfully open again to that. I want it. God I want it.

I want to tug on the internal leash I know exists between myself and a man kneeling beside me emotionally…Oddly enough I’ve no need to put my hands on his neck to do that. I’m content with it being an emotional bond. I’d rather give him my name. For some reason that floats my boat more. Taking my surname…*shrugs…* That feels more a collar to me with a man than anything else I could give him.

I want to make a change with my writing…I want it to serve. I want to see it and embrace it as a service…as a gift. To date, it has been Mine; My creative process and I have been thinking in the past few days that perhaps its not meant to be viewed that way…that my attitude about it is stifling it in some way. Its a very unformed thought. And I can’t put it into words. I’m not sure it makes any sense at all. I’m just going to dance with it awhile and see what forms.

I’m so ready to love again. My heart has been rejected for so long…I’m ready and overflowing with love. I feel like an orgasm on the edge of cresting…ready to spread into reality at any moment. I’m so opened. How did that happen?

Well…I know how it happened. A man gave me his dominance. He views me as rebelling most of the time…(imagine anyone’s surprise about that).

If I really was rebelling that much, I wouldn’t be in this moment as I am now…all opened up and all ready to jump into the future and all ready to love again.

I’ve no illusions that this man is my Mr. Right. Who the hell knows if he is? I haven’t known him long enough to even remotely assess that. He’s the right one to have got me to this moment emotionally and that’s a joy to me. I’m so grateful. There are simply no words for that gratitude.

I want to spend more time with him. He’s intense and funny and giving. He’s even endearingly irritating to me…which is always a good thing. It means he’s not on a pedastal. He’s a human being with foibles. That’s all I know and I’ve no need to know more despite my thrilling wish to connect in a deep way with him and see what happens.

See…I’m free and I’m so delighted by that! I find myself delighted over every little thing…I was singing the other night at his house. It just bubbled up out of me and once I heard the acoustics of his house, I had to sing loud just to enjoy them. I’m delighted in my own silliness and want to share it with other people. I’ve been blogging insane drivel on my blog on an adult site all day long…just because I could and because it amused me. I’m just enchanted with the idea of sucking on a cock…God I love that. And today I want it intensely.

I’m compelled to play with the kids. I want to curl into my cat when he comes to lay with me and engage deeply in cat naps with him, just because I love him and he loves me and its what he wants of me. I feel captivated by a sunset and by the fireflies in the nighttime. I savor every single word of the emails from my friends these days. I may not respond right away, but I’m grinning about getting one. I’m thinking about what I’d like to share. I’m thinking about what they might say in response and giggling to myself about it when I’m a smart ass…hoping they’ll play back with me. I can’t stop being intensely delighted in living…in every morsel of it…in being here. Now.

I find myself exploring every possibility as if it could be real…because it could. It could if I choose it.

I find myself having these intense dreams…waking up to feeling the stinging lash of flogger falls on my skin in full orgasm. Even in the bed, the images and fantasy sensations have my head thrown back in ecstatic expression of the real glory of being stung by a man’s desire for me. I dream of standing in the sunshine beside a tree with tears of joy streaming my face as I look into a canopy of lace against blue. I wake dreaming of my fingers kneading and exploring every inch of a man who submits to me and I feel such deep peace about that…such quiet eroticism….and the palms of my hands itch with the smart slaps that punctuate that kneading touch…*sighs…* I dreamed last night of a voice like John Malkovitch whispering to me while someone else is inside me…a man he put there…and I’m bemused. No words for that. I dozed a few minutes with the cat and started awake to male laughter ‘just sayin’…I ‘ve no memory of anything else in that…just a feeling of me giggling right along with him in delight…more delight. Even in my sleep I am delighted.

God that feels so good. Thank you, thank you, thank you…

My insides are sooo ready to forget me…to just give without stint for a long while in the weeks to come. I can’t wait. I need to forget me…to set aside all of this stuff I’ve just typed endlessly it seems. Yeah. In just two short weeks, I’ll be in the midst of forgetting me for awhile. I can’t wait.

And…I’m supposed to go to Maine this weekend coming. I need to get some stuff and put some stuff away in my storage unit…And I am afraid of walking back into the pain of where I’ve been. I want to hide. I want to not talk to anyone. I want to curl up and not go…

Its hard to push through that…

And yet the delight is there…*smiles*

Last summer I bought Alanis Morrisette’s, then, new CD called Flavors of Entanglement. Its a group of songs about love, loss and healing…It was very fitting to listen to this past year. There’s a song on it called Giggling Again For No Reason….I love that song! It fits…It fits.

As I wrote this, about 1/4 of a utube down loaded enough to get a sense of its quality…I hope it plays well for you. Its been so long since I had any music on this blog. I miss it intensely…

This song called Torch is for my husband…

I love you. Still.

Image here.

M:e’s Questions

With both the submissive and the dominant partners you might seek, do you know which part of your deepest intention this arises from?  Is the need emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual, or some combination of those things or maybe them all?  Somewhere in the answer to that is the beginning of the foundations of what you’re seeking to build for yourself.

=a comment M:e from the post below yesterday.

Wow…I have super wise friends. What good questions. Obviously, answers to this will be like a lotus blossom, continuously revealing my answers over time. Because I just don’t think the answers to such questions are every immediately obvious nor are they simple. At least with me, they could never be.

My answers to these questions remind me that its not time to have the submissive, its only time to contemplate him…Because I believe that I should feel open to the responsibility of him without all sorts of conditions. Obviously some conditions that keep me feeling centered, healthy and open hearted are appropriate. But I have reasons and conditions that are about protecting myself and getting desires met…and those really far outweigh what I wish to give right now.

And that’s because my well is still feeling toward the empty feeling instead of the full feeling. I don’t feel deprived each day…but I’m not full inside myself separate from anyone else yet. 

Admittedly some of the reasons I want to have a submissive are selfish. One of my sexual reasons is because I want to be sated. I want pampering. I want a helpmeet for keeping my home. These are very physical reasons for wanting a submissive. I want someone who would like to share responsibilities for making me feel good and for keeping house.

Some of my emotional reasons are that I want to feel safe in ways that I don’t feel safe with dominant men. And I’m thinking deeply about a remark I recently heard to the effect of leaving your heart with a person who will not be taking it, only holding it. So I am aware that there’s some quirk that needs to be looked at in there about this feeling safe thing. Its the root of why I’ve questioned if I am being an emotional coward about wanting a submissive for a partner.

But there are good reasons too. Ones that feel right to me. There is a dynamic that goes on when I am the submissive. Its the dynamic that I seek to please by taking an interest in my dominant’s interests. That’s something I sometimes don’t really want to do, but I do it anyway, because I love them. No one really does that for me much…sometimes I’ll go for years and not have that very delightful experience. So I want a companion and friend. I want a confidant. I want someone to share my interests in and who feels devoted to me.

It is in my nature to enjoy being needed also. I am experienced enough now with myself and with my knowledge that this can be an unhealthy thing for me if its out of balance…if that person who needs me is not interdependent instead of dependent on me. So I would like to be needed in the ways that anyone needs their partner…but not needed in the ways someone needs a parent.

One of the biggest reasons I want a submissive is because I want alot more control over the vision for the relationship I share with my life companion. Now I’m aware of the illogic in this. I know for sure that no one has 100% control in a relationship, nor do a dominant have much control anyway, since its the submissive who chooses their role…or not, according to their whim.

However, the nature of a submissive is the desire to please and to have attention…their devotions is fulfilled by that attention and the giving of pleasure. They continue to reach, even if its not immediately available. I am aware of this nature in a submissive. I suppose that I want to feel that kind of devotion. It feels like a security blanket, if that makes any sense.

And that’s just illogical. I’m aware of that. And I’m not sure its healthy. I’m contemplating it.

In the end, its a matter of wanting to do the picking. Over and over again, I have watched men pick some other person, place or situation over me. I want to do the picking. I want to choose a person and have their devotion in return.

Likely a childish reason…but its truth in this moment. 

I want a tantric partner of him too. I would not pick anyone who wasn’t willing to share their spirituality with me. But I have seen my partner time and again become afraid of the intimacy of it and become resistant. Frankly, I’d like the power to smack his ass and get him to face down his fears. 

*smiles* Another illogical reason. But true nevertheless.

As for a dominant? I most certainly do want my need for an emotional father figure met. It is a need that’s never really been satisfied in my life. 

I’m also quite aware that I truly do enjoy submissive sex. It really floats my boat. In some ways alot more than dominant sex does. 

I am also aware of an Oedopus complex inside myself. I’ve been aware of it for many years. I faced down the sense of shame in that a long time ago. I feel no shame about wanting to fuck Daddy…and its because I don’t want to fuck my real fathers. None of them. I loved them as a little girl should. Pure. Innocent. I was in right relationship with each of them. It was they who were not in right relationship with me.

So I feel no shame in this fetish now. Its a fetish just like any other someone has. 

Beyond that, I desire a mentor…Idealy someone I can share my love of sailing and writing and all those other passions I feel in my life with someone who has something to add. I don’t want to always be the leader. I want someone I can admire a great deal to follow. I want a hero in my life. I want a real man…with adorable foibles.

And possibly, I want a person who can help me heal this old wound inside me about Daddy and move past it as a grown girl would grow up into a different sort of need and relationship with her father. It would not be a loss of a relationship at all…It would be one that we both knew would shift over time in good ways. 

Also, I have come to understand myself about something with this emotional power structure about D/s. I seem to invest too much in a dominant who is my primary emotional partner. I loose my heart instead of entrusting it to them. That’s not okay. It is why I don’t want them to be my primary partner just now.

That might change.

And the design of my life would not preclude that.

It is why I wish to have a submissive who enters the relationship with no ownership over my sexuality or over whom I wish to live in my home. The only thing that would be crucial to me is that my home be filled with peace, laughter, admiration and love. I want men who like men well and who would enjoy living with one if that’s what we all wanted to do.

My current thoughts and the first unfolding of the lotus blossom. I’ll be returning to this one.

Choices

Things are flowing in so many directions as my heart purifies so many emotions of these last years and I’m hitting waves of emotions like:

Gee…Marriage is nice and all…but I’m not sure I want to do it again. I like the idea of not being beholden to anyone for any decision I make.

Wow…I really crave having someone masterful in my life full time. I know what I want in a dominant now. I could seek that out easily…

And sometimes I think…I want to not seek anyone again. I want to set intention and be open to those who respond to that intention.

Gee…Maybe a live out Dominant (or two *winks*) is a better way for me to live…on the heels of that is Gee…maybe I ought to have a live in /s. *grins* That does sound intensely fun. It touches something in me that just really likes that idea. Alot.

Sometimes I think I want a Daddy/lilgirl relationship…something  about that fills some incredibly deep needs in me. I am convinced this is something I need in my life.

Other times I want a heart that I care for in a special way…to have a true and deep submission given to me…Oooh…that sounds like an incredible blessing and something I’ve never experienced.

Sometimes I think that no relationship for a long while is a good idea. Sometimes I even contemplate a year or two of chastity and focus on me and some things I want to do for me.

Sometimes I think I ought to go poly again…have a little triad.

Sometimes I think…

Life is so full of possibilities that its hard to decide quite frankly. Whatever I want I can seek and manifest. I guess I just don’t really know what I want any more. I’m changing…and I’m realizing the world is my oyster more with each day that passes.

Where will I live? Where’s home? I don’t know…so a road trip is in order. I’m putting a plan in place for that at the end of summer. I’m open to road trip companions…*smiles* But I’m just as happy to travel alone too. 

How will I make a living? I’ve no idea what I want to do. My wrist is never going to support me again as a massage therapist, so I’ve got to find something else to do. There’s so many possibilities, I can’t decide what to do. But another book is whispering to me maybe…We’ll see. Whatever happens, I’ll still always write. That’s who I am.

I’m thinking about how to scale my life back to less possessions. I’m going to get busy on my storage units in the next weeks and weed stuff out mercilessly. If I can, I’m getting that thing down to one unit instead of two. That will feel good to be so unburdened.

I’m trying to decide if I’m going to move all that stuff out of ME to VT too. 

VT is feeling like a place to root sometimes. Sometimes I think I’m heading back to ME to be on the coast. Sometimes I think there’s a home somewhere ‘out there’ for me that I just haven’t discovered yet. Sometimes I think about hopping a plane and going to stay with my friends in Hawaii a little while. 

Sometimes I wonder about finding some kind of work that included overseas travel on occasion. Sometimes I think about saving to some distant place on another continent and applying for a work visa once I get there.

I’m just so intrigued with all my choices…and there’s so many, I can’t decide…

So I’ve decided to just let the possibilities swirl while I attend my summer ceremony and while I head out on a road trip…and sooner or later it will become completely apparent what’s next and I’ll go do that.

I guess that what I’m reaching for here by enumerating all these options is that I’m not even seeing the horizon of myself. Where is the end of me? Where do I stop flowing into space? There’s so much space that I can no longer see that I am limited in any way either. What will I become with so much space? 

I know that my choices will shape me in the years to come. It will shape not only me, but my legacy. That seems exciting and ponderous occasionally too. That’s alot to think about…but damn it sure is exciting to view myself that way.

An image I’ve used several times by DKeithFuron.

Love Bumps

So…I’ve been pondering…how much emotional intimacy is enough to assuage this loneliness I still do feel inside. Its not constant as it was all last year and earlier this year. But it is there sometimes in a very painful way.

I wonder what does it take to get to that moment of feeling the loneliness assuaged if partnered tantra isn’t going to be a part of my near future? Is that amount even reasonable to look for in a temporary partner?

I question right now if its really even loneliness I feel any more. Maybe its actually not loneliness that’s about now but old stuff stirring 

If its past stuff, then dating will aid the process of letting that go and it won’t be long before its not an issue.

If its now stuff…well then I’ve hit a bump in the road, cause I don’t want to feel sad for days every time I try to get some very basic needs met for sex and affection.

A Spanking

I had been expressing some very intense emotions. Feeling weepy and fragile emotionally. I was cranky and moody and easily hurt. I am sure I was a pain in the ass. But he was so patient with me. I felt this overwhelming urge to experience pain and I was feeling demanding about it. I kept telling him how much I wanted pain when I saw him.

When I did finally see him, he was incredibly gentle with me emotionally. Patient. He held me and cuddled me a long while before making love to me. He was indeed aggressive with me sexually. With his cock. But his hands caressed love into me all over. His voice whispered over and over of his love for me. I struggled not to sob. I kept begging him to be more and more rough with me. Finally, his hands grew rough and he rolled me into a kneeling position for a spanking and sex from behind. He spanked me hard. Harder than he ever has. I kept begging him for more and more. When he said he was going to stop, I started to sob and whine for more. I just couldn’t seem to get enough of his aggression. He obliged me…but I could tell he was growing concerned about how harsh I was asking him to be. I’d never done that before.

He got out the flogger and the paddle and beat me with it. He beat me until my flesh began to twitch. He said that I was beat red and he expected me to be covered in bruises and that I was done. I began to beg for more. I was crying and telling him it didn’t feel like enough. “Please…Please…Please…”

He told me flatly that no, there would be no more. I wept hard at his refusal…and finally all the pain I’d needed to let go of  for so long, left in a rush of sobbing that only his telling me no brought…that only his gentle hands and body on my very sore skin brought. He spooned with me and crooned to me, brushing my hair out of my face. Wiping my nose when I got all snotty…helping me to the bathroom when I needed to pee finally. I was so deep in subspace that I couldn’t walk. He poured me into the shower afterward, having to hold me up under the hot water until it revived me. As I came out of my stupor in the heat and steam, this sudden, overwhelming joy came over me in the wake of all that pain being released…and I became enchanted with his cock and making it grow in my hands. I just stood there staring at it and fondling him, smiling to myself about the wonder and magic that a cock is. I am just enchanted that they grow bigger like that. I really, really am.

I looked up a few minutes later, shower water rushing over my body, gathering in droplets in my eyes now and then to see him standing leaning against the shower stall, arms crossed, smiling indulgently at my fascination with his cock. Shaking his head at my silliness, he just kissed me and told me how much he loved me.

I didn’t tell him how much his hug hurt. It would have deeply disturbed him. I went back to bed while he got on with his day…and by the next day you’d hardly know he’d touched me.

I remember this moment as a time when spanking and flogging healed me emotionally…when sex was a balm for my aching heart and soul…when it soothed my mind of its grief and left me feeling renewed.

But it worked that way because he loved me.

Not because I was given a particular activity in the right sequence. That is simply not enough.

This morning I woke wishing for such a moment.

It is not that I am in any particular pain emotionally.

It is that I have not been mastered like that in sooo long. I just ache for it. I ache to be taken and made whole again. I ache for pain until I’ve had enough. I ache for sex until I am unable to walk afterward without help. I yearn for the sense of being loved by a man with every breathe he takes…that his every caress leaves trails of adoration behind…and I wish that this love was so abundant, that I finally feel full with it.

I remember a moment with my husband. It was about two or three years after we’d married. Most of my life I’d never felt there was enough love. I never felt that I’d got enough touch…that I was filled with the love someone else had for me…I don’t know. Maybe I was like a cracked vase or something at that time in my life. But I was needy for it.

I remember this particular moment though. It was following us making love. He’d spanked me soundly and while it wasn’t our finest moment sexually, I realized that I was full. I didn’t ache for more. I didn’t feel like he and I were not enough yet…that I had to have more.

It was like that between us for years.

Until it changed. And then it wasn’t any more.

And since then, I’ve gradually felt that absence of love from another human being really filling me up.

I knew a few such moments when M. They were intensely precious to me.

And this absence of loving flowing to me has forced me to dig deep for my own well of self love and for relationship that is different but nourishing also. Relationship that’s loving…just not necessarily sexual.

And I have grown stronger for that. More present. Happier. Full with soulfulness.

That’s a very good thing.

I felt like a cracked vase earlier this year again for awhile…and I suppose that as my relationship has dissolved, that I’ve experienced moments where I felt like a cracked vase alot in the past few years. But not all the time. I’ve learned how to access a more universal source of loving…and when I can touch in on it, all sense of being a cracked vase just utterly diappears.

I’m glad of that. Its a silver lining in the cloud of loosing my marriage.

And…I want such moments as I just described sharing with M again in my life.

I like this strength I’ve found in myself. I like this deep well of self love I have ready inside me now.

And I want to be loved like this again.

I’ve no doubt that will come to me. I can almost feel it just beyond my reach…just on the edges of today. Ready to manifest. Ready to jump into beingness.

My skin feels all twitchy for that sometimes…

And…yet. There’s this dominant person in me, who wants just as avidly to feel how special it might feel to have a strong, assertive, attractive man’s real submission to me. To feel his skin responding to my touch in just the ways I describe feeling myself…to feel his heart open to me the way I describe mine opening to M or to my husband.

That…? I have this fear that I’ll be forced to choose between the one or the other in order to have the love of a special man. Lately there’s been some examples in my life of really special men who are truly submissive by choice…though they are strong assertive men otherwise. They make me wish for this gift in my life very much indeed.

Musing Aloud

A re-post from a blog I keep on alt with some editing:

I have been struggling with manifesting goals for many years now. My whole life really. The things I don’t care about manifest effortlessly. The stuff I do care about is endlessly blocked…by my own actions mostly…Sometimes by what’s going on around me and at those times I get endlessly frustrated about it. But I’ll talk about that in another post.

Regardless, I did some reading recently. I’m fond of bibliomancy. That is to say, I’m fond of holding an idea in mind with a book that’s helpful to the idea I’ve in mind and just opening the page that feels right when I run a finger over the edges of the closed book. I always open up to the perfect page! This particular book I have been reading lately is called the Sufi Book of Life by Neil Douglas-Klotz.

Anyhoo, the point is, the page I opened to was a passage about outward creative power…and the book talks about fear of success at first. No surprise there. I’ve known all along that I have a great fear of success.

But the book went on to talk about how we can let go of that fear of success by understanding that our actions are a part of that unfolding manifestation of the All…that each of our actions, not matter how great, or how small is part of a much larger picture. The Beloved made a big impact in creating the universe- and as its evolution proceeds, creative acts happen all the time….though we are not the center of things, we are part of the process.

For me, that makes things right size. I’m not too all powerful for my fear buttons. I’m not so insignificant that I may as not bother. Know what I mean?

Kinda takes the steam out of my fear settle into Right Perspective.

Now…if I can just hold on to the idea…and act on it.

I’m thinking it must be a matter of sinking into my happy creative flow and letting it take small steps until I’ve manifested this thing that’s drawing out my energy…and then let the flow carry me to the next step…

I stifle the process because I get scared and so the flow stops. Then I have to wait for it to spring from me again and listen for the song I need to work with…

I’m working on interrupting that fear process.

Its actually not that easy. And yet its very, very simple…but you’ll have to keep reading this series of posts to get me on this.

Retaining Energy

So…I’ve been having trouble manifesting two things I want very much in my life. One of them is getting my book and other writing published in a paying venue, the other is a dominant partner. For some reason, these things that my heart wants so badly are just endlessly stalled. With the writing? Well I’ve just talked about that Musing. So I’m going to stick with the romantic goal and why that’s stalled in this post…

With the dominant partner, its a thing that’s just not happening or if it does, its a terrible match. Puff of smoke or bitter apple. One or the other.

There’s been some glorious and momentous moments. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve loved well and hard and with great dignity. I still love. The submissions and my profound love for them are all still there. But these beautiful past moments with these special men cannot be manifest in the now. Its that simple.

I’ve spent alot of time facing fear of being hurt again the past few months. I’ve got alot more work to do in that regard. I’m still apt to take flight like a deer in the headlights about things.

But I want another love in my life…and even now I seem unable to manifest what I want in my life.

I addressed that in the last post. I’m working on that fear of success part…cause it applies even to this romantic thing. I mean…HOLY SHIT! What if I got what I wanted and all…? What the hell then? What’s next? He’d be all in my space and shit and I’d have to be intimate and face all my fears about that day in and day out…not just have this one fear of being alone and all. LOL!

Aren’t I fucking ridiculous?!

So anyways, that’s not what this post is about. Already covered the fear of success thing didn’t I?

But there’s another trouble with this. I can’t seem to stay in my harmony inwardly with a dominant. I get really, really anxious and I don’t know why.

AT times, I’ve become convinced that I shouldn’t seek D/s any more as I’ve come to see this loss of harmony and inner balance as a power leak that’s making me sick…that its not right for me. That I should stop seeking submission.

Here again, I did some bibliomancy with this book.

The lesson here is to remember. Remember who I truly am…To not loose sight of that in my effort to people please. Some would say that I don’t have that trouble at all because they seem me as this on the ball person who’s got it all together. Ha! That’s just so not true. I’ve got as much twirling going on emotionally and mentally as anyone else does. Yeah. I’m aware that I do have plenty of trouble with remembering who I am. I loose sight of my goals. I loose my ability to access my creative flow. I loose my ability to trust my inner guidance and I get off center about what’s true between my partner and I…All because I cannot remember that I’m me. I’m whole and strong and focused. To be truly focused you have to be fully in the now. To get to a place of focus, you have to let all the other distractions go and just be and just listen to what’s going on. Inside and outside. Respond maybe or maybe not. But beingness and listening are how to remember.

The other part of this lesson is imparted from Rumi:

Outer form means more than we know, since its joined to inner substance. A seed cannot grow without its kernel, but it also fails if it doesn’t have a husk. So the body has importance too….

So it talks about form…having things sort us out into a form. A routine, a spiritual practice, an exercise routine, a responsibility that we have to get done, occupations that put a rhythm into life. It is all about mentally staying within ourselves and not hanging all out of ourselves mentally worrying about other people, places, things and situations. They are outside. In order to build up and maintain our power, we need to hold our energy, our emotions and our thinking inside enough not to be extruding our life force.

For some reason…having a dominant in my life has created such a difficulty for me emotionally for a whole slew of reasons that would bog this post endlessly down…and its left behind this incredible amount of angst.

I just can’t seem to hold myself together with a dominant around emotionally…so long as I hold him off, I can keep my internal boundaries…or so long as he’s attentive and the energy I’m giving out is coming back in equal measure, I’m just fine…but I can’t depend on someone to feed me life force. Its not healthy.

So I need to figure out how to stay within myself.

The combination of these two seems to be a rainbow bridge…but its something I’m contemplating.

Busy Mind

I published this at 4am or so on Sunday morning. I woke up tearful and stayed that way much of the day until I did some reading and some writing here. In terms of this series of posts that I’ve started here, there’s no point on the surface of things…but if you pay attention and read the next post too…you’ll get me on this. This is an example for you to bear in mind when you get to the last post:

I woke up lonely this morning. Its not yet sunrise.

I don’t know who I want to make this lonely go away…

…Nope. I really don’t know.

Perhaps its no one specific. My mind twirls over everyone I love…Oddly enough it doesn’t twirl over my husband, though I’ve had impulse to call him a few times lately and ignored it…so my lonely for him is buried deeply…just as it always has been. It hurts too much you see.

I guess its really him that I’m missing this acutely…

…and its not because this is bigger than whether its him or Another I’m lonely for.

I miss M and G and B too. I miss my sons. I miss my singing group very badly. I miss my friends in Maine. I miss the ocean so much I can’t think about its existence. I miss R’s sweat lodge. I can’t afford to attend it and I miss his quiet stolid guidance in my life so badly I can hardly stand it. I don’t call him because I am afraid I’ll just start blubbering. I’m sure he wouldn’t know what the hell to do with that. In fact, he’d likely worry I was getting a bit soft for him emotionally or something. He worries about that stuff with women who learn from him. So I’m just silent about all this missing stuff. Its so big and I can’t do much about it. But I miss the songs that I’m not getting to learn because I’m not there. I miss the energy of Maine and the family that it represents and has given me most of my life.

I like VT. Its breathtaking and the more I meet it, the more I am entranced by it. There’s a vibration here that I need. I’m glad to be here.

I don’t know if I want/should/need to put roots down here though.

Where’s home? I feel this intense longing for home. I want my things around me. I want my mother’s beautiful linens and cedar chest. I want my shelves covered in stones and shells gathered from so many walks with my family outside. I want my pottery to eat from. I want my own fridge and to not go to it and find something I wanted to eat gone into some else’s mouth. I want my own space. I miss having a home for my sons to come home to. I miss having more than one room to spread into and love in.

I miss home. The last home I had was the first one I’ve ever had. I grew up a military kid. I never had a home of any kind, except vaguely my grandparents home. The loss of that is something that I just can’t put into words. This is really the source of my pain with my husband right now…its not so much that our relationship ended…its that he took my home because of his actions before I could get another. He just left…he got himself another home. He’s got much of the furniture in it. He’s got space and his own things…I’m hurt. I’m jealous. I’m crushed that he took that from me…My husband who promised to always love and cherish me…to protect and honor my needs and heart took my home away. It wasn’t much. I wanted a new place to live, but it was the only place I’ve ever lived for such a long stretch of time.

I needed to be done with it and with him and with the situation.

I know that.

It doesn’t matter that this is true. The little girl in me is just absolutely crushed and its not his fault. I’m keeping it to myself instead of dumping this unreasonable emotion on him…but its there in my silence with him. I’m trying to cope with it. Mother’s day hit my like a ton of bricks…and it hit Marta hard too. She had a melt down and I was just totally bewildered about how to cope with her…*sighs…*

I have missed my home so badly since then.

An admission that I haven’t wanted to give voice to anywhere at all…cause I don’t want to give it any sort of power at all…but silence is now empowering it, so I’m hoping to let the air out of the balloon here.

I’m attracted to my roommate. For sex and friendship…not for a relationship. There’s been sexual tension between he and I since the first moment I arrived.  It isn’t constant. Its just there sometimes…I’m very careful not to allow any of my sexual angst and neediness to be directed toward him even for an instant…but its there.

Last night my friend was doing work on her computer in the other room and he and I were watching Mentalist re-runs in preparation for a show next week about a particular part of the story line. I was enjoying the show and his silent company. But suddenly this urge to cry came over me and in the worst way, I just wanted to scoot over and bury my head in his shoulder so that I could be comforted by someone. He’s not my someone to reach out to.

And he’s not who I want to be my someone anyway. Its just he’s a he and he’s there each day…and he’s a good man who’s become a friend to me. Hardly knowing me, he’s taken me into his home with his children and he’s treating me with kindness and compassion.

That touches deep places in me. I feel that softness and compassion in him for me and I just want to snuggle in when I feel tearful like that…like this.

I went to bed and went to sleep instead.

I woke up weepy and obviously far too early to get up and do anything in my restlessness but sit here and tap out of burning bowl post, because it will wake the whole house up.

The night is so silent. Too silent.

*smiles* One of the boys is laughing in his sleep…

I’m glad that they make me laugh.

I’m glad that my cat rubs some love in to me every day even if there’s no hugs from anyone else in my life for days or weeks at a time. I think that’s what I am missing the most. Hugs…the long lingering kind that turn into a cuddle.

The birds are singing to me. They are awake early because its still dark and they are singing a mating call not a good morning one… Maybe they can feel my pain today. The wind is picking up with the dawn. I can hear the leaves whispering to me.

Sleep is feeling accessible again…