Changes…but thankfully not all mine…

I’m one of those people who frequently thinks that America’s Funniest Home videos aren’t funny. I have a sadistic sense of humor to be sure. I do love a little humor at some one else’s expense…but I do not appreciate watching other people really hurt or really feel humiliated.

Sometimes life happens and I have to sit by and watch while other people hurt, knowing there’s not much that I can do… One of the hardest things for me is to feel helpless to make things all better….to know that things could have been so different “if only…”

I wish for many things in this situation. Most of them I cannot have…

I count myself extraordinarily lucky to have the loyalty and devotion of my friendship with Obiwan and others though…That’s most important and it’s the thing I can keep. I don’t have words for how grateful I am about that.

What is next hardest for me is feeling that I was told one thing, while I frequently sensed that another thing was true….Seeing first one behavior, which raised my hopes and then another, which dashed them. That is hard…I couldn’t really know what to believe. So I settled for just being kind and friendly and let go of any hopes at all.

I don’t know what will happen now, but I am feeling saddened for what the portents are…

Change is never easy.

This year so far, my life has been quiet and peaceful and full of joyful intimacies. Within my quiet life, there’s no big waves and no unhappiness…but I can see some of those I love struggling…grieving…angry…incredibly hurt…feeling abused, judged and misunderstood and that is hard. I struggled at times with feeling angry on their behalf. Yet when I look deeply into the situations, I keeping coming back to feeling compassionate and my hope that I can find ways to be supportive…

I’ve been pleased to find some opportunities over the past weeks. It leaves honey in my day and I feel good when I lay thinking about my days before I go to sleep. Life is good for me and I am very grateful for that. Very grateful.