One Rule

Lots of people have rules for how to run their power exchanges. I have just one. Its not something I’ve really articulated to anyone before in quite this way before, but its a rule that swings both ways. Doesn’t matter which side of the switch I’m on in other words. The rule is:

“The Dominant shall care for and protect.”

Its a very simple translation for me about that how that applies to real life. I’m going to use the word “I” because it works best to explain this sense of things I have…because I live things seamless. If I expect a certain treatment, then I give that treatment or better. So I am putting myself in the submissive’s place even if I’m the Dominant. My submission should never leave me feeling betrayed, burned out, exhausted, infected with anything, sexually and emotionally repulsed or wounded emotionally or physically. My submission should not leave me feeling emotionally, spiritually or creatively suffocated, enraged, panicked or left wondering or guessing about intentions or directions and I should be able to impliment my own coping skills to self care without having to have constant permission to do that.

If  a submissive has to take over their care and protection without any input from the Dominant in a situation that’s not an emergency or urgent in any way, then the Dominant is seriously fucking up. Simple as that.

My view is, if you want to be in charge, then be in charge. If you don’t in a certain moment, then say so, because then I can act accordingly. I live that way on either side of the flogger.

I will not submit to bs and I would never expect anyone else to.

Now on the other side of the coin, if I’m acting with integrity and good communication about the events unfolding between myself and another, and that person is feeling betrayed…? Mmmm….feels like a history moment for them to me. Another’s history moment is not my betrayal. I expect the moment to be treated that way by all concerned.

Neither person should feel burned out. I don’t want and shouldn’t have to give 24/7 attention from anyone. I need and want to give plenty of alone time and I’m willing and expect to be negotiated with about time frames/needs that vary from mine so that a balance is struck and I expect that the balance not always include me being a provider. There should be a healthy community involved in any person’s life. No one should be the sole source of socialization for anyone.

A relationship should be nourishing and restful. It should add, not subtract to anyone’s energy level. If its leaving anyone feeling burned out or exhausted, its not being directed along properly.

Sex and personal contact is a very private thing to play D/s games with. It should never be done in a way that leaves a person at risk or feeling repulsed. Sharing such intimacy is a holy experience and should always be treated as such. If it doesn’t feel holy or at least is something my partner and I both feel enthusiastic and safe about, then it shouldn’t be demanded of anyone.

If you are going to pursue a relationship with someone, then you ought to know them well enough to know where your life styles are going to clash first. For instance, if a man can’t happily support the fact that I prefer men to women and that I’m a switch who needs to express the fullness of my sexuality, then he’s not for me in the long term. Its also crucial that I be able to share tantra with my primary emotional partner. If he wants to be my primary partner, then that’s not open for negotiation. It will be a betrayal to dump me on this part of the partnership down the road because he’s grown bored with me about it. A man in my life has to get this. If he can’t embrace such things, then he’s a play buddy. Ultimately its up to the Dominant to assess this stuff and make decisions from there.

Rage and panick just should not be part of playing together. Its simply not constructive. If that stuff is going on, then its a wrong relationship or at the least a wrong situation to be in and the Dominant should have foreseen such a situation and taken measures to prevent it and with the unforeseeable, s/he’d better be doing something about it toot sweet or there will be a serious breech of trust.

No one should have to wonder what the hell is going on or what the dominant’s intentions are within the relationship. Maybe within a scene….IF! s/he knows the submissive well enough to pretty accurately predict the response. If not? Then what the hell are you doing pushing someone into a corner where in order to self care, he’s got to take action himself? If you want control, then take it and take responsibility for it. Otherwise, use words!

There should never be a moment when a healthy coping skill is taken away from a submissive who is trying to self care. Coping skills are the activities of a healthy adult and should be respected. Surely if a coping skill is unhealthy for a submissive, then a new healthy one should be taught and trained with to replace an old one…otherwise, give a person the space to self care…and expect that the person use those skills in a timely fashion or a punishment should be in order.

These are the ways I think things should be managed. Its what I mean by my simple rule: A Dominant should care for and protect…and really, this is just relationships 101, but its amazing to me how that stuff gets tossed out the window when a person gets a little bit of latitude to whatever they want with a person. Even people with high integrity often become boundaryless sometimes about such things in the midst of a scene they are aroused by…Lust often over comes listening skills.

My bottom line is, if I feel that in order to self care, I have to rebel, then something isn’t right and both partners need to do some investigating. It may be the submissive’s history or preference stuff meeting a hurdle that’s easy to take care of, but if its about the Dominant not doing his or her job of caring and protecting, then that’s just not what ought to be happening. I should not have to step out of my role if I’m the submissive to take care of myself outside of an emergency or a situation in which the buck stops with me, cause there’s no one else to decide. No one is perfect. I’m certainly not. But this is my ideal and what I wish to live by in my D/s experiences.

Just a ramble about D/s…*smiles*

Image here.