Begging

Last year, (was it really only last year?) I wrote on the topic of begging here, here and here. And this year, I looked back on some moments of begging here.

I’ve written about this topic a good deal over the last year it seems, because I even found a post called Fantasy. In this one, I was exploring some deep fears…some experiences that would create terror in me…and I was exploring my wish that I could be the submissive that my husband wanted. He wanted someone who would let him play edgy and even with a great deal of pain, far more than I can tolerate. I wanted to be what he wanted. I knew that I couldn’t, but I was exploring those feelings in that post.

Here’s a little blurb from another post from July 2008 called Dungeon Dreams:

I was punished in front of others on Saturday. I just felt safe, made right size, relaxed, relieved that my ego was no longer tormenting me. No anger. No humiliation. Of course the environment was really safe, but that’s beside the point. *smiles*

I had a fantasy Sunday…about begging again…and about something I’ve never once wanted before. And that’s the sound and sight of a man taking his belt off to spank me with it. Its always sent me right into ptsd to hear that sound or to see a belt wrapped around a man’s hand. But Sunday, as I write this, I want it. And I wonder how it would feel laid across my Mons…

*sighs…* I want…I have no idea whether or not I’d still get all dissociative about the belt, but there’s desire there for it on a new level…and the uncertainty of what my emotions might actually be within a factual event is not altering my arousal one wit. *smiles* In fact, it seems to be heightening it instead.

That bit about heightening it is another facet of a change that I’m seeing the hint of. The sex play limit lines are rolling back a bit. Always a sign post of personal evolution for me.

I’m just thinking about this whole topic of begging…and about the things that I’ve done like begging for sex and being able to separate that from the experiencing of begging for love or attention. I’ve learned they just aren’t the same in the last year or so. I hadn’t even realized that this intellectual knowledge had passed into the belly place that knows it and acts on it as a matter of course. I know that’s true about begging because I began to beg a man for penetration during sex last week. I really wanted him. I knew he’d say no to me when I started begging. He did say no. But I didn’t mind that. I wanted him to know how much I wanted him. I wanted to express my feelings of desire. I wanted to express the energy flowing through me, the joy in my own orgasms…Begging was a natural thing to do.

I’ve been thinking about how BDSM changes consciousness…about how its a milieu for my dignity expanding and for seeing the mirror of Beloved in the eyes of the man I’m with…I think about the things I’ve yet to do in my life, like being spanked by a belt or hearing it slide form his pants. I wonder sometimes about these tweaks and what they’ll bring to me when they are gone.

Begging used to be a tweak. Its not any more. And I watched myself give it to a man without any hesitation…and just a year ago I would have been on a rampage internally about it. *smiles*

Today (Tuesday), I’m in a writing mood. I’ve done a number of posts and scheduled them for publication. One of the posts is a bucket list update, which will post on Thursday. I didn’t add much that’s sexual to that post. Just didn’t seem to be the mood when I was working on that post. The mood just now is erotic though and I’m thinking about horizons I want to cross when it comes to the sensual, the erotic and the relational…So I thought I’d do a bit of a list:

• I had wanted to try figging for a long while. I just didn’t have a partner I wanted to do that with who was actually available. So I did it by myself.  I’d like to share that with someone.
• I want to find out what its like to listen to a man take his belt off and then spank me with it for our mutual erotic pleasure.
• I want to share some mental play that extends into public and time with friends. I don’t have any specifics in mind, but I do know that its important to me to have privacy about such things…but I want the element of being around other people in the midst of an exchange of power or the erotic with a man…and I’m not talking about sex. I’m speaking about the sensual. There’s a difference.
• I met a woman a couple years ago whom I admire a great deal as a dominant. I trust her. She’s the only person I’ve ever met that I’d let do a scene with me at a play party. I’ve been thinking about that…I don’t have a specific desire about her or about it even being a woman or a man…but I’m thinking about this hard limit I’ve had for a long time about playing at a party and I just want to explore why its there…does it fit now really? What’s my tweak about it? It may be that it fits me to keep it in general, but to bend the rules when the atmosphere is right and there’s a safe dom to play with. The thing is? If I met one person I’d say yes to if she asked me without any reservation, then why not carte blanche? I want the answer to that.
• If I find that I want to relax this limit, I’d really like to find a venue for the exercise of that new freedom.
• I really do want to use a penis pin on a man. Damn that turns me on. I don’t know why…but I just want it intensely.
• I want a man to tie up. Alot.
• I want some sensual moments with a woman. Kissing…caressing. Just for the enjoyment of it. Not goal oriented.
• I want to try needle or staples play (was this one on the old bucket list? Can’t remember). If I like it and learn how its done right, I want to do it to someone else. *slow wicked grins* Yummy.
• I really want a body waxing partner again. I hate the way my skin feels when I shave. It gets a little bit leathery…and god I hate the stubble. ‘Specially around my little happy nub. Ouch! I love that smooth feeling being waxed and I like how the hair never grows back when its done regularly.
• I want a big bunch of sex in the sunshine this summer and fall. Yummy.
• I love bondage…Its been so long. I got just the tiniest taste of it last week. I whined about it profusely cause it was a first time with him, but I did enjoy it. Alot. And I am craving more. Lots more.
• And I want more flogging. Been a really long time since I had that in an artful way too.
• I am enjoying having a man in my life who likes to be my pleasure slave…but I really do need to find a masochist to play with. *sits vacantly letting images wash through my mind…* Yeah…I sure do.
• More reasons to beg and be begged to would be nice too.

I’m sure there’s more, but you get my drift. *grins*