Being-ness

So…Its Sunday afternoon. I’ve had a nap since writing early this morning. I’ve had the radio going all day. Music is soothing me. I don’t really feel any better and I know its a thinking problem I’ve got going, but I’ve spent much of the morning and afternoon crying. I’ve meditated. Picked up some good books to read to try to think differently…I’m still not there as I write this post:

So I’m thinking further about that issue I have about not being able to stay in my own skin…or perhaps a better description is that I struggle to stay in my Being-ness…the happy empowered being that I truly am…when in the sights of a dominant man. And I’m even starting to note that I can loose myself in a very different way when I’m taking a look at a submissive man too.

And then I note that in general in my life, I’m struggling with this issue. Its loneliness that’s plopping the focus on things romantic, sexy and bdsm….obviously. If the last post is any indication at all…this is the thing that’s putting hot air into my thought balloons….

I’m a seeker in many senses of the word. I’m fascinated with spirituality, power dynamics, empowerment, awakening, sexuality…and its all political, relational, emotional, sensual, sexual…nothing is left untouched by the soul or the heart…and the body is its container for all this wordless understanding.

The mind frankly fucks it all up.

That’s right. Today I feel like my mind is fucking me up and I’m suffering for it. I want to snatch it out of my head and shriek at it to shut the hell up…

So yeah… I’m sitting here noticing myself getting all outside my Beingness.

Been doing that…

And then whoa! Suddenly I’ll have these stretches when that monkey mind shuts the hell up and I’m in deep peacefulness…deep Beingness…blissful. Full. There’s this infinitely needlessness because all the suffering of my mind is gone like a puff of smoke in the winds of truth. It may last moments or days…it may predominate weeks. I had the majority of the month of March in that state.

And somehow, my mind gets re-empowered and I’m right back to looking to other people, places, things and situations to give me pleasure, fulfillment, attention, love, hugs…and I’m needy and grasping. Again.

And I’ll get lost again for awhile to this mind thing…this false self that tells me I’m not enough so something out there has got to provide it.

*sighs…*

I know this about my mind. I’ve known this about my mind for many years. I rediscover this about my mind over and over again. The first time I was introduced the concept of a thinking problem I was 22.

So…Been going through this mental torture thing of late, despite this knowing. Despite being capable of long moments of getting it and living it…that all I need is right inside…

But still…there’s been long moments of Beingness too. They can happen on the same day even as the crazy thought balloons get filled up with all my hot air and I begin to twirl on the ends of my thought strings…Those days…those long moments are so good. So peaceful.

There are times when I can’t stay away from “here” (read place to find hugs/sex/romance), because I want a hug so bad, there must be one here somewhere….

I think then that I should do as a drunk trying to recover does…just stay away from “here”.

But its not about where I am. Its about what my mind is doing and its going to do that no matter where I am.

I’ve been praying for the wrong things I realized today. Again. *smiles* Yeah. I’ve got to this moment of knowing what’s a proper prayer more than once too. I’ve got this idea about what’s proper prayer so many times…and then I forget it again. *sighs…*

Good thing that I can keep starting this over. Good thing that I can just get into the Being-ness at any moment and stop the suffering of my mind’s twirling and angst…and formless fears…and inabilities….

Yeah. Good thing.

So about prayer. I have realized that in this moment, my prayer to myself is “Shut the hell up. Stop thinking….sink into no mind. Beingness is in the feeling state remember…? So just feel baby. Just feel. Feel that gratitude my little girl. Feel enough. Feel loved sweet thing. Feel whole. Feel green my beautiful one…Feel laughter and feel true. Feel. Be.”

I’ve known a long while that my power is in my heart.

I think everyone’s is.

As for a partner?

*chuckles* Yeah. Even that question is my mind working really. It is saying to me that I’m not enough without a partner. It is saying that I’m not complete without someone to hold me in the night. Its saying these things must be true because I feel lonely. I want to cry. I need a hug. I want and need to be loved…On and on…

Yeah.

My mind is not quiet today. I’m not in my Being-ness. I’m feeling lonely. I’m suffering because of that inability in this moment to shift out of my thinking and into my heart and into the truth which is there’s endless boundless love inside me. I’m not empty of love if there’s no one there to partner me. I’m not lacking because there’s no heart matching my moments of intensity…

Thinking about that eases me…I can feel the fear receding and the truth coming closer…my mind quiets just a little bit…

Nevertheless…the mind is demanding today to answer ~who~ that is for me?

I’ve got no answer…But I know in my heart, that he is one who is living as much as possible in his Beingness too.

Meeting in that place of no mind…?

That’s bliss and truth.

I might play games to entertain myself with someone who isn’t capable of meeting me in that place of no mind…but I can’t partner him.

Despite my struggle to stay in this Being-ness I need a mirror in my life. And the truth is, the silence of my mind rings more clearly and longer with each month that goes by…I can’t play around in the mire of monkey mind with anyone any more. So…the truth is I need a partner who gets this whole thing…this whole dance I’m struggling with and who gets in a visceral-feely way just what I mean by no-mind and Being-ness.

And this whole truth leaves me with the thought that this whole D/s thing is really the mind occupying itself. Really. *smiles* Cause isn’t that what’s really beyond this game of power that we play here? Isn’t that what is left when the roles have played out or don’t match life or we’re just too tired to play or too hurt to keep giving one more time in this moment…? Isn’t that what’s here when there’s no partner at all?

Yeah…My mind is yacking. My heart hurts…but I do know where the answer is. I know that I can get there…I’ll get there. Hopefully in the next moment…

I’m profoundly grateful about that.

So…if you are all concerned about how I’m feeling right now? Well…don’t forget the

And I guess that’s about it for what’s in my mind and heart…well so long as you add in Yummy.

*winks*