I need to touch. My fingertips ache to just touch the skin of love. My mouth aches to taste the juice of passion. My eyes need to gaze into adoration for me…and more than that, I need to see a fearless and fierce joy in meeting my intensity. I need to feel the bliss and the joy bubbling up in me at the scent and sounds of pleasure. Mine. His. I need to breathe this soulful essence in. I need to suck it in like every pore of my skin, every orifice of my body is a greedy mouth slaking its thirst on the manna of me…the me that I become when I am happy, when I am really truly loved unconditionally and without fear, when I am in the arms of passion. I miss me.
Fetal. Sometimes I feel fetal about missing me. I keep seeking her in the root of me. She must be in there somewhere under all that fetal.
So yeah…I ache for nekkid hugs.
And yup. I’m a bit obsessed about them at the moment.
I guess that Another feels like the liminal doorway to me somehow…a key. Not the answer, but the passage past the fetal to the power in me…and the joy in me.
Ah the joy…I can touch it some times. I can feel it there still ‘neath all this grief. But it hasn’t bubbled in sooo long. And the me that bubbles…ah she’s amazing. Most of you reading here have never known me when I am truly happy and bubbling with joy.
You like me now…*smiles* Because I’m sweet and deep. But when I’m bubbling, I’m endearingly, infectiously happy. Everything is something to laugh about, fuck for, and sing over. Everything. Making a pbj is a reason to sing. Everything, even the hard things seem to roll off me more. I’ll sink into them for a few hours and then its gone. Even deaths in my family were processed as gifts because then I had angels in my pockets and they were no longer unhappy or in pain. And I’m really serious about that.
I’m someone I truly adore when I’m bubbling with happy. I miss her. I need her back.
I’ve no damned idea if it’s true that loving passion is the key. I truly don’t. It feels like a good idea though in just this moment when my hormones make anything sexy look like the answer. All I can see and feel when I close my eyes is the fantasy of an orgasm that passes through my entire being and sets me free…something more expansive than what the body does.
I have hunted that answer a few times and been disappointed and sunk deeper into the grief in me. So I really don’t know if its true that loving passion is the key. But its in me to keep seeking it and the thing is, I wish I knew if its the key. I wish that I knew if I possessed some other key and could just turn it and there I’d be, the salty sea of grief all drained away and this me just bubbling away is sitting there on dry ground wondering what the hell took me so long…
So…yeah. I ache for nekkid hugs.
And yup. I’m a bit obsessed about them at the moment.
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January 2, 2009 at 7:00 am
Shannee, I hope that you get what you need very soon.
At the moment you are sounding quite needy.
Sending you love and positive thoughts.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
Hi Paul, I think that a huge load of burden will lift from me when I’m done with this house and that when it does, I won’t feel quite this acutely needy. Thank you for the love and thoughts and the hugs. You are very dear to me…((hugs))
January 2, 2009 at 7:26 am
Hi Shannee, I second Pauls comment an also send you hugs, love and lots of happy thoughts.
Remember, if you dwell on the negative that is what you will find.
Hugs, Jay
Thank you Jay. You are so kind. I can see why your Uncle is so very fond of you. *smiles*
January 2, 2009 at 9:39 am
Hi Shannee:
I know how hard it is to “shake” an idea once it takes hold in your mind (the generic mind not yours). And I agree hormones are very very powerful indeed. I like so many many things about you. You are so open, vulnerable, honest and caring. I love your writing and your creativity and the pictures you post. I’ve learned more about blogging just from reading and enjoying your blog. I am praying for you to receive all you want and need, and that all that is unwanted in your life to be washed gently away.
Take Care…..lots of gentle gentle hugs
Andrades Girl
Hello Andrades. Your comments are always so heart warming. Thank you so much dear lady for all the warmth you contribute to me here. Blessings to you and yours. ((hugs))
January 2, 2009 at 9:54 am
Hi Dear friend,
Immerse yourself in everyone’s positive thoughts of you and what you bring to this world simply by being you, by existing, by believing and loving and giving. It will all come back around in due course!
Much love and hugs, nekkid or otherwise,
Tiggs
*smiles* Tiggs you are a charmer. I hope you are back to being your bouncy self sweet lady. Thank you for all the beautiful thoughts and kindness. ((big hugs)) to you. *smiles*
January 2, 2009 at 10:48 am
HI G-Dub: Maybe she rode the tide out and left you to explore the bottom of the sea bed, so that you can feel it til you don’t feel it anymore. I suspect that it is this type of yearning and melancholy that makes your loving passion so incredible and infectiously happy. The path that you are on must be right, because there you are. Perhaps she’s already left for the next town, the next phase, the next destination. — Did I really say that? I don’t mean to sound like a new year hopeful baby, or a bad 80’s movie. I’m immensely impressed that your grief manifests as a search rather than complete desparation and misery which is where I go when the me that I like takes a hike while I’m left behind to sort things out.
I keep thinking that when you do turn the key and drain the salty sea of grief, that’s some incredibly tasty sea salt that’s going to be left behind. Be like Gandhi and march to the sea, and make some salt. I don’t know what that means, but I like the idea of change and salt and compassion.
I don’t know, just trying to be helpful like the other comments here. But often I suspect that you are all the help that you need.
Blessed Be,
Radha
*smiles* Hello Radha. I suppose that there is an equation in there somewhere about the passion and such matching eh? Good point. *smiles* Gandhi sure does sound like a good role model right about now doesn’t he? Boy I’m not sure I’m so capable of his equinimity, but its a good example to try to emulate. Thank you. I do my fair share of feeling despairing and overwhelmed and plenty of whining and pouting about it. Believe me, I’ve spared you all the utter melt downs that I’ve had in the last week and a half. Had a few days when I couldn’t stop crying and a few days when I couldn’t stop yelling. PMS is just murder on my disposition when I’m profoundly stressed like this. When the great weight of this house is off my shoulders, I will be able to just relax for a bit and regroup and think about creating prosperity and a new life. That will feel much more uplifting. Thank you for the positive offerings. It is very helpful. You are a brave and hardy soul. I love getting to know you. *smiles* Big hugs!!
January 2, 2009 at 1:23 pm
I’ve no damned idea if it’s true that loving passion is the key
it is. i ache with you, g/f.
*loving warm hugs*
((big hugs)) Thank you Rosa. Today is a much better day than when I wrote this last night. My mood is much less heavy. I go from feeling optimistic and hopeful to deeply despairing several times a day. I think that I’ll find that I am still needy for awhile until my beautiful key comes along…but it won’t be like this when the dissolution of things seems endless and nightmarish. All I can say is how grateful I am that there is so much love and respect between my husband and I. We are doing this right and well…and very, very lovingly. We are not picking on each other or being mean. We are doing this with grace and when we can’t we take care of ourselves and each other. What more could anyone ask for in a time like this. All I can say is that the next woman in my husband’s life is going to get a good man. He’s a very good man. *smiles* And you are a very, very good woman. ((hugs)) Aloha Rosa.