First Day of Winter

The days are ticking by before my life is loaded completely into boxes or my car and I journey through the snow covered world toward a friend’s cozy home and begin a new life…

The finish of this life is both extremely hard and also really soft. I was thinking recently how its such a paradox that both are true. I ran across this quote recently:

“Prayer and love are learned in the hour when prayer becomes impossible and the heart has turned to stone.” by Thomas Merton

I was thinking how frequently I have hit a very dark place in my life and found that out of it springs a grace that leaves me breathless…

So…I just got a note from my friend. I’ll have a queen bed, a tv and stereo. Sounds like I won’t need much but a storage unit for awhile, doesn’t it? *smiles* It will be odd to not have my things around me. Things that belonged to my mother or that my husband or children gave me. Oh I’ll bring some momentos along…but it won’t be the same as a household of belongings that all hold meaning for me. It will not feel like my very own nest. It will be a lovely roost to watch the sun rise from. That’s a grace and a blessing. And still inside myself I yearn for and reach for my very own nest again. This time I don’t want to seek it with another. I don’t want to be given it. I want to get it myself and I want to create something to share with a Special Someone someday. A ‘mine’ sort of thing.

For me it feels like power. Not to be needless or in control of my destiny and my environment, but to be rooted and all the blessings that go with that. It is something I need for me. I need to create my own inner security, not associate it with others. Besides, when you have a root, all that destiny holds for you doesn’t have to chase you around. It can find a place to come home to and take root too.

I’ve had that root for the longest period I’ve ever had it in my life. For about 12 years now. Never lived anywhere longer than here. Its been a safe haven and I’m glad to move on. Not glad to be ending my marriage, but glad to move on from here. Its more than time.

I’m grateful for so many things. Far more than I can name.

A new one by KT Tunstall:

Sorrow’s youngest drew the names for the Ripple. Go check it out to see if you’re name was drawn as I do believe that at least one reader here will be the proud owner of one of these beautiful gifts of the heart! Sorrow is mailing me a lovely candle holder that was one of her own contributions. Its very beautiful. Thank you Sorrow.

I say … and you think … ?

1. Carpet :: beater
2. Bottoms :: up
3. Music :: lyrical
4. Nails :: finger
5. Watch it! :: don’t step on me
6. Your life :: is a blessing to me
7. Candies :: chocolate
8. Chafing :: get the lube
9. Svelte :: Gwenyth Paltrow
10. Ding :: dong, its the Avon lady…*grins*

Click this image to enlarge it. Its a wall paper from Terri’s site.

A question from The Thinking Dom caught my attention this week:

Do you have another personae on the internet than you do in real life? Do you practice online D/s with this personae?

Yes. I do. Its a WordPress profile- Sweetness. Its a private personae. I have a couple blogs that I started with it. One was a blog of thoughts that I had about being Dominant. Its full of fantasies, and thoughts about what I’d like to experience with a submissive. I’ve shared it occasionally with a man or two here locally when I was pondering the possibilities of taking someone as a submissive. There’s no one reading this blog right now and I’ve not written anything on it in months now. Last summer maybe?

I had once thought to share more of these thoughts here. I do so indirectly. I discovered something in the past six months or so…my sort of dominance is not so easy to translate to written form. It is a way of being in relationship with Another. My way of dominating someone is not the way most do it. My way is to create such a sense of peace and safety between myself and him, that he unfolds for me, giving me access to all of him. What I do with that power later depends on the structure of the Inside of Us.

I do have a private blog with a special person. He’s someone I made friends with last summer. I admired his writing and that became friendly emails and then its become a soulful heart experience. We share dreams and ideas, teach each other, share some erotic feelings, meditate together. Its a sweet experience and some of it is a power exchange, but its the complex emotional power exchange that I’ve longed for this last year. Mostly its a viewpoint of each other within the context of D/s with him the D and me the /s. But there’s also a role reversal. It overt form springs up between us a great deal when I’m experiencing the onset of menses. And that suits him just fine. For him, that’s a time of womyn power. I don’t know when we’ll get to meet. Perhaps never. But I do find myself deeply enjoying this sharing with him and instead of emails, we can share art, music, and create a beautiful scrapbook of our friendship’s unfolding.

It is I who started that blog. It is I who often leads him toward new experinces with each other or who sets boundaries or the tone of something we share, but it is always he who ultimate steps into the ultimate power seat once we’ve arrived and spread into the new experience. This dynamic really suits me a great deal. *smiles*

As for a persona that’s different from real life? Yes. I am quite confident seeming here. Beyond these public viewpoints of me, I am frequently a very scared little girl. The two are simultaneously true. It is always a mistake to assume that I’m only a very scared little girl, just like its a mistake to always assume that I’m not this confident woman all the time. *winks* The mystery of a woman is that she’s both. Always. And ignoring either of these aspects of her grace is deeply disappointing and quite aggravating. A wise man see his woman’s deep places clearly…and honors both

This is true whether she’s dominant or submissive. *smiles*

What do you think the new year holds for you?