Monday

was a glass wearing day. I wrote this to my special someone that day….

“Thank you for spending the day with me today…It was a good day. Its nearly 5pm now. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to take out that glass toy. It hurts quite a bit, but I need your cock in me today something fierce.”

Quite frankly, I write stuff like that to turn him on. It will be the first thing he reads when he signs in to our private blog and I’m sure that I will thoroughly enjoy his response. I also write it because I need to express my emotions…which are a bit lonely. Lonely in general and also lonely for him specifically.

By the way…Monday became a glass wearing day at about 2:30 am when I was too horny to sleep. Its Tuesday as I write this. There are a few other posts in line before this one waiting to be published. Fact is today could easily be a toy wearing day too.I don’t think my body really wants to tolerate another 14 hours of wearing glass so I’ve been avoiding reading anything that would tip my libido over the edge.

I have this burning emotional need to be penetrated. Not just physically, but emotionally. It is making itself known to me physically, but its really an emotional need that is driving me to go around with a toy in me so that I can experience fullness in some way. That and ovulating I’m sure. I wonder if I’ll still be like this when my body no longer ovulates?

And yes. I’ve just revealed that there’s some one in my life that I’m developing feelings for. No. It is not my date whom I’ve described recently. My date, whom I’ll call Phipp, is a terrific man whom I’m enjoying very much, but he’s not the one I’ve developed feelings for. As I feel ready, I’ll be more revealing. On the whole, emotionally, I’m focused on my husband and on the changes between us. Its a difficult and lonely experience…and I suppose that’s why I sometimes feel quite sexually obsessed with this man, B, with whom I blog erotic things and many other things that nourish me emotionally. And its why I’m dating Phipp. It is not easy to find the strength to deal with the losses between my husband and I. If you’ve been reading this blog lately, you’ll have noted my love stories. The stories so far only describe the new relationship energy between us, but the thing is? The relationship still bears that deep love. Its never gone away. It is only that he no longer finds himself to be my primary emotional partner and I’ve learned that I need my life partner to be my primary emotional partner. When I try to have my primary emotional partner be anyone else, it is disastrously bad for my health and emotional stability when that emotional relationship gets bumpy because I don’t feel secure enough in it to be okay with my emotions within its context. I simply don’t feel safe investing what I need to invest emotionally to feel nourished with someone who doesn’t commit as my deep emotional partner. Does that make the least sense? I’m not sure it does when I explain it, but it sure feels right and real when I feel it emotionally.

I’ve thought that maybe there was something seriously wrong with my sense of self worth and self esteem, which was causing me to feel so insecure within the context of a secondary polyamorous partner who was my primary emotional partner too. Certainly there was some trouble with my inner sense of security. But its not just about me. If Another cannot or does not invest himself in me with the same devotion that a primary partner would, then my deep investment is not met equally. I’ll never feel safe within that context. It is right and good to have my emotional energy met with equal fervor and investment. It is the healthy context for me. So…where does that leave my marriage if he doesn’t feel he’s able to be my emotional partner?

Well worn emotional road that question is. I’ve already done a meandering boohoo post about it too. Never mind any links. The details aren’t really important if you missed it. The point is that I don’t really want to end my marriage. I still love my husband with all that I am. But I am just not happy this way. I need to wake up most days beside the man I am most intimate with. I need to share my life within the context of nourishing intimacy. It is very, very lonely not to. I don’t want to feel lonely for the majority of my days and nights. I don’t want to live emotionally from date to date with someone who isn’t living with me. And more importantly, it is not joyful to live without that intimacy each day. I don’t need others to feel joy. But I’m sure that anyone can understand viscerally that there is a certain level of happiness that comes of waking each day to Love personified in a special person. I thrive in that. I blossom into the fullness of who I am capable of being in that environment. It also pushes me to grow to be so intimate with someone else. I want to evolve and be full of joy. I need this to feel fulfilled in my life. Its that simple.

And I need to love my husband too. I really can’t imagine not waking beside him each day of my life. I don’t know if I can find the strength to actually make the changes in my life that will have me waking beside anyone else each day. l adore him. I need him too…the way a person needs the other half of their own self. Perhaps only a twin would really understand what I mean by this. Though I am sure that another person who has lived with their soul mate can understand.

It is not easy to figure out my way through this tangled path between two very conflicting sets of desires, needs and purposes.

It often propels me to do things like keep a glass toy inside me because I’m so driven by emotions and libido. The lonely and the loss feelings like a living entity some times I guess and I crave so badly to be filled up with nourishing intimacy, that I find some way to at least mimic the effects physically…and those emotions seem to come out in my libido anyway.

The emotions are difficult to express without sounding morbid too. But I’m trying to find ways to express this. One way is to tell these love stories between my husband and I. Another way is to write erotic thoughts and feelings to my blogging partner. *smiles* I do enjoy that. And I also tell the simple truth here in my own space.

I am lonely and I want to get laid. Hopefully Phipp (named because of the place he keeps wanting to take me) will have had the time and inclination to indulge me about the getting laid part this week. Hopefully, I’ll get more time with my blogging partner in ways that feel emotionally nourishing this week. Hopefully, I’ll get some really good time with my husband too. Being with him is good for me. If I don’t get the attention I crave, then I guess I’ll focus on something else won’t I? *smiles* Maybe more glass wearing? *winks*

Oh…and I do owe you that spanking story too don’t I? My husband did find it amusing to indulge me about the spanking for LOL day. The story will publish tomorrow.