Chivalry is Not Dead

Not at my house anyway….

I enjoy the Thinking Dominant. A latest post is on a topic that interests me:

• What does chivalry mean to you?
• Do you have rules of manners and etiquette for your submissive?
• Who holds doors, orders food and handles money?
• What importance is etiquette for your dynamic?

I wanted to encourage a discussion on this in general here, but I’ll just share a few words on the subject myself. I went on a date last week with man who has impeccable manners. He held doors for me, held my chair, helped me on with my coat, saw to it that I had what I liked to eat and drink. He was a terrific host all around. His deference felt like a compliment to me as a woman. It didn’t have to do with submissiveness or dominance in those moments. My husband doesn’t usually get doors for me these days. I suppose that familiarity and working together day and day out, we see each other as able bodied individuals, though on dates, his sense of chivalry comes to the fore again and he gets doors for me again. What he never fails to do though, is to make me food when he makes himself some. He always makes sure that if he’s getting something from another room or at the store that he asks if I need anything. He lets me pick the movie. He makes sure that I’m warm enough. He takes care of my car fluids, even though its my car, not his. He reminds me of things if its clear I’ve forgotten something, because he wants me to feel good about how I present myself to the world. In these ways, he shows me deference, and here again, its not got to do with submissiveness and dominance. Its a matter of showing deep respect to me.

I show my respect to a man by always complimenting and appreciating him. I remark on things he does unconsciously that are kind or shows his innate talents. I touch him with great affection. Its important to me to give a man touch, because a man is less likely to ask for it and he’s far more in need of it than he’s usually willing to admit to himself. It leaves a man feeling all soft and relaxed. Feeling cherished like that is a way that I offer chivalry. Submission and dominance don’t have anything to do with it…though I can turn it into a service or dominate with my touch. Its my choice which way that goes.

I also always speak with respect to the person I’m with, even when I’m very angry. That too isn’t about D/s for me. Much of these things have to do with common courtesy and mutual respect. I think it becomes an issue in these times simply because people tend to behave in general with less manners than in past times.

However, I’ve thought for quite awhile that I’d enjoy some formality at times about manners or etiquette. It makes moments particularly special. I’ve read on some blogs about the submissive not being able to begin eating or drinking until the Top had first tasted their food and drink. It is well mannered to wait until the most honored guest begins or when the woman of the house begins in general, but to apply this to a D/s situation seems enjoyable.

I suppose there are times when some behavior feels dominant or submissive to me. On one of my recent dates, I was less familiar with the cuisine we chose than he is, so I made it clear that I would defer to him in the matter. This pleased him as he really did seem to want to order for me. He asked me a few questions about what I liked and didn’t and then he ordered. I really enjoyed listening to him take on the task of ordering for me. Then we chuckled at my lack of dexterity with chopsticks. The next time we went out, I picked just what I wanted, but he made it very clear he was ready to leave when the waiter asked me if I wanted a refill on my iced tea…that I was not allowed to order another. It made me smile.

In any case, I wondered what others thought about this topic?