“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
This quote came from Submissive Journal Prompts
A few words that spring from a recent experience….
I had a date last week with a lovely man. Sexy, well built, tall, with a strong and very pleasant personality. The kind of man who seemed proud and impressed with the fact that a passerby could have sworn I am much taller than I am because I have a ‘commanding presence’, as he put it. My kind of guy. I went on the date, thinking, “Not this week. Next time perhaps, but not this week”. Well, he was…persuasive and I already wanted him, so I followed the flow and enjoyed myself immensely.
I generally make it a habit to not reveal some aspects of my sexual history because I find that men edit themselves. If I tell them that I’ve been sexually assaulted and do details, they treat me like fragile glass and fear of scaring me, though those who really get me, don’t edit themselves much…just a little regarding those details. The ghost of the past hangs in the room like a hushed shadow. The few times I was self revealing prior to intimacy in recent years, I have had cause to regret it, because it spoiled things between myself and the other person. They just couldn’t manage their own emotions about what happened to me. Worse, they cast me in a victim role and wouldn’t let me out of it…and I would find myself responding in kind, instead of standing in my strength and heat. So for me and for him, I stand silent on my history now…
It feels really important that I pick a man I can trust to hear no or observe my safe word, depending on the dynamic between myself and a lover. Once I’m sure he’s such a man, I encourage intimacy if it feels right. I have discovered that in keeping this history out of the early context of our interactions, I am free to just respond. I can let my current emotions and my body’s responses to the touch that a man is spontaneously sharing with me just…unfold. I can just be in that moment and let passion carry me without any thoughts of history. I discover what he really likes and what he really wants from me. I discover what I really like too.
Recently I discovered
- that I really like having a man’s hands very gently around my throat, squeezing just slightly when I’m in the midst of orgasm.
- that I still have some nervousness about oral sex on a first intimacy, but its not even a fraction of what it was even a year ago when I discovered a whole new level of comfort with sharing oral sex upon first intimacy.
- I can even enjoy being held down completely from one end of my body to the other while I give a blow job too.
- that it is very arousing to have rough fingers giving anal penetration if I’m already orgasming anyway.
- that painfully squeezing and putting pressure on muscles in my body is arousing to me.
- that I am aroused by having my head help captive by my ears so that I can be kissed or held for oral sex.
- that even if there’s no formal agreement with a man about submission, I can still have submission simply by not saying no when something feels uncomfortable or just a little scary to me. I discovered in yet another way that submission is an inside job and really has alot less to do with a specific dominant than it does about what’s going on inside of me.
- I can serve a man’s pleasure without a formal aggreement for submission. That’s a basic part of making love surely, but I can add my earnestness from that submissive perspective and not worry about making him my Dominant.
- that I can be sexually aggressive and still be submissive in a seamless way…as I suspected…though there’s so much more that I want to explore and give about that.
- that I feel sexual dominance out of simple arousal now and not only as a product of turmoil or emotional aggression that needs an outlet, as seemed true earlier in my life. I used to only wish to express sexual dominance when I was having my moon or feeling frustrated. I’ve begun to yearn to spank a man recently, so I knew things were changing for me. But at just the smell of his cum, I was suddenly coming out of my skin with yearning to ravish him further and on my terms only instead of more his terms as had gone before. It was difficult to rise from the bed and get dressed to go home so he could sleep and rise very early.
There’s a few other items I could add to the check list, but I guess that’s enough for now. My ultimate point is that though I determined that I could trust this man I shared intimacy with, its really me that I trusted. I trusted my judgement in his trustworthiness. I trusted my own body to experience something it once felt scared by. I trusted it would orgasm, not recoil in fear and that it would bring me joy to feel his touch, no matter what sort of touch it was. I trusted my own heart to be whole and strong. I trusted my mind to stick with the now moment and in each instance with this sensual man, I discovered in the mirror he held up to me that I am more whole and strong and full of heat than I realized.
Being full of heat is what I want in my life. It makes me juicy and following the flow of my own trust and intuition is how I am sure I’ll be getting back to juicy.
Oh…and I’ve been asked for a second date by the way. *smiles*
November 13, 2008 at 12:42 am
Wow…..sounds like the perfect date! Glad it went well doll.
Barbie
It was a wonderful date. I could do a re-run on it easily. *grins* Nice to hear from you again today Barbie. You are very welcome here.
November 13, 2008 at 6:27 am
Shannee, self trust is often the answer, it can be a hard lesson to learn, I am finding it takes patience and perseverance.
Your list is impressive, being intimate with you would be interesting, Chuckle
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
Good morning Paul! Mmmm….Yup. I guess those are the attributes required to discover self trust. Never really thought about it. I just sort of observed what was true about it once I found the self trust was there. LOL! It always amuses me when I do cool, really mature things quite by accident. *grins* Yup. That’s an impressive list. It seems to get longer each time this happens for me. It used to be that there was only one or two things on such a list. It is rather pleasing to me that I needed a bullet list. *grins* Interesting eh? Hmmmph! According to him, I ‘far exceeded his wildest expectations’. I like that answer better than ‘interesting’. *wicked naughty grins* ((warm hugs)) Its a cool looking overcast day here. Winter is creeping closer. I’m looking forward to the silence that will come with the snow. I love the first storm that the snow goes deep. Especially a night storm, when no one is on the roads and you can go for a walk and listen to the hush of the snow falling. Just beautiful. It will be upon us soon. *smiles* Have a good day!
November 13, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Congrats on the fun date, and I hope the next one is just as great. I agree with what Paul said about self trust…can be a hard lesson to learn. I’m at a place where I don’t know if I’ve changed a lot or if it’s the case that my real self has been revealed for the first time. I feel like that lesson has be learned and re-learned over and over again. Sometimes your posts just hit right at my core….
I too am waiting for the onset of snow, but unfortunately it has been too warm. All of it is dropping as rain. 1 inch of rain = 10 inches of snow. I wish that we had the 10 inches of snow.
Peace,
Radha
Hello Radha! I hope the next one is too. I’m not sure. He needs an early night and I’m not feeling like keeping an eye on the clock this time. We had to do that last time…and really he over did it time wise. He was very tired. So…Its feeling like dinner only to me at the moment. In any case, I’m so smiling about you feeling opened. Its a juicy place to be in life. And I think you are right about that lesson. There seems to be lots of lessons in life like that eh? Those are the ones that put the heat in life, I think. Isn’t the world beautiful with snow? So clean and uncluttered. Its restful to the mind for a time I think. The other seasons are so busy with color and life. Its good to have a clean slate. What flutters across it tends to be sporadic and gains a different attention therefore. Its a bit like the earth meditating I think. I like that. ((hugs))
November 13, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Mmmmmmmmmm, you had a great date… and trust is so important.. it is the foundation a relation is build on.. trust and love… I am discovering more and more myself that there is nothing I would not do for my Love… isn’t it strange…
love, lessa
Lessa my dear…*smiles* It is one of the best strange things in life to trust and love…((hugs))
November 13, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I’m excited about your new date friend/partner. Sounds yummy.
So interesting that you wrote about trust as I’ve been pondering it, too…more in terms of life, business and relationship in general, not just sexually. But then, again, it’s all connected, yes?
I keep thinking that trust and our ability to function really doesn’t have anything to do with another, it’s all what we make of situations.
And then I think of this saying I once heard that the only way to trust is through another.
Pondercating…
Gillette! Its good to hear from you. He is yummy. *grins* He smells luscious I can tell you too. Hmmm…Function not having anything to do with trust. Now there’s an interesting thought and point. I suppose that’s really the essence of detachment eh? I’m often extraordinary at detachment and then there’s times when I deplore my ability to ever get myself to function sanely about some situations. Perhaps the difference is about the subtle differences between security and trust. Trust is one thing, but security is altogether something else. One is about function and ego, but the other is about Beingness I think….a soul thing. Whenever a security issue is up for me, I get to sucking at functioning with detachment. If I can get to Beingness, I’m just ducky. I can detach through the most surprising stuff and coast right along with no emotional wounding. Some emotion, yes, but no wounding that keeps me from function. Damn I love when you do this to me….get me pondercating and ruminating and coming up with noticing and all sort of wondering. *grins* Now I’ll have to think all about the switches that must be in me to get to Beingness when I’m getting insane some more. Cause I just had a bad bout again…and I think its definitely true that the most catalyzing way to trust is through another. We are all liminal beings for each other. But some of the best moments of trusting in my life have had to do only with me. Vision Quest teaches that. Hmmmph…switches and trusting and stuff. God I love you! ((hugs))
Oooh! I’m still sparking off this comment…so I just thought gratitude is a switch. And so is getting into a new environment. Still thinkin….I love that thinkin thing. *grins*
November 13, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Hello Shannee
I know that self trust is something I am still seeking/ striving/ working towards/ struggling ( it seems at times! ) to achieve.
I do know that it feels different from security, and that security, although it may have its place, is something that really has no lasting foundation, it IS driven by ego. I am not sure I believe in true security or want to, but instead want to feel comfortable with uncertainty. I think when I’m able to more consistently be okay with uncertainty then I will perhaps have reached that place of self trust more fully, or beingness as you describe it.
Anyway, I am pondering on this one too, as curiously self trust and my lack of it was something that was drawn to my attention this week.
I’ve been wondering what self trust actually means, how I’ve experienced it, if I even have! and when I have.
I’ve wanted to know what to listen out for, what the questions are that I am asking when I am doubting my self, how I can ask them differently, where do I feel things in my body..etc.
Strangely I’ve sometimes felt that I’ve experienced self trust much more or maybe even had self trust when it had nothing to do with another, and that another is perhaps what has rocked or distorted my self trust. But maybe that is a contradiction in itself because if I had real genuine self trust then another wouldn’t be able to rock it would they?
I think I have also been wondering how linked self trust is to self love…and I suspect you cannot have one without the other.
Your date sounds divine! I hope we will hear about the follow up!
And I really loved reading about your discoveries. For me discovery is one of the most energy giving and soul enriching parts of life, and to feel safe enough with someone to wear discovery hats together and share in discovery.
I did enjoy our fun spanking banter on the 11th, but I really appreciate your thought provoking posts such as this one too.
Hugs to you.
Olivia
x
Hi Olivia! Gee, The uncertainty stuff is the hard thing for me too when I get into insecure moments. I start wanting to control things or else I really dive off into the abyss and get all rocking and shivering and morose. *smiles* I learned that there’s stretching when it comes to trust. By that I mean going just a bit past your comfort level, but not into terror. Just staying in the ‘bit nervous’ stage and playing there for awhile to learn. But then there’s making yourself bleed emotionally. That’s like playing in traffic blind. Its terrifying and very imprudent. There’s nothing to make you strong in bleeding emotionally, except maybe lessons about what not to do again. If I stretch, I get to experiences like the one I wrote about in this post. If I let my life take me toward bleeding, then I get all morose, hopeless and despairing. Everything looks threatening and unworkable in the face of that fear. So fear is a tool in my world. Its not a bedfellow to court on purpose. That’s not conducive to Beingness. Someone wise once said that the soul is bliss itself. I think that self love and trust are a natural product of living soulfully in your life. At least it seems that way to me. I find that trying to trust or trying to love is often not possible in the face of difficulty that scares me blind, but geez, if I get up in to the soul of something and that Beingness stuff, love and trust just flows out like a river. No difficulty at all. Pretty soon it feels natural and comes natural in situations that once seemed insurmountable. But I do forget all this stuff when I get really, really scared. I surely do. I have to remember and it helps me to have friends who remind me where the switches are and who will listen while I babble about what the switches are again too. Gillette has a way of making me remember stuff…or prodding me into putting circuits together that baffled me before. I think its good to have people around that do that for you. Its absolutely crucial to being whole. Yes, yes, yes! Discovery with another human being is a joy. I’ve been blessed with that many times in my life. I highly recommend it. Its the hardest and the bravest and the most rewarding thing to do in life other than to raise a child…and I spose that discovery is all you do with a kid, so that fits doesn’t it? I agree Olivia…the mix of banter and the deep is the juicy stuff in life. Gotta have both. Gotta. I hope you are doing well. ((big strong hugs)) You sure sound good.
November 14, 2008 at 7:52 am
Trust is extremely important, in yourself as much as others and it is great you are learning to do that and be in the moment. Glad you got a second date.
Hugs
Mina
Hello Mina! *grins* Good to hear from you…I’m glad I got a second date too. It will be fun.
July 6, 2009 at 1:05 am
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