Earning It

This post springs from a post which Adrienne wrote, plus the one that Adrienne linked, which was Gillette’s post. If you are in a mood for a juicy in depth topic today, then this is the read for you, otherwise, you’ll only sigh and wonder when it all ends…cause the three of us are feelin’ loquacious on this topic as Paul is wont to call me. And I warn you that I’m grumpy. This is a bit of a rant, not just my usual musing yarn.

I do have a point to make in all this though…so If you are in a mood to listen, I’m in a mood to be self revealing. If not, enjoy some Baebes and tarry no more.

“What arises for me right now is the issue of trust. I do not trust this man that I dearly love. I cannot count on him to take care of my heart and yet the strange thing is that my heart easily opens and yields to his presence. It is extremely paradoxical. I do not trust him to keep his word to me. He has broken many promises time and time again. And yet, underneath all of his thoughtless, uncaring behavior that breaks my heart and makes me cry, I trust in the love that we share. I don’t really understand what that means but I do know that it is profound.” Adrienne

And this from Gillette:

“It came from a place of defeat, fear, and confusion about which direction to go. It was eggplant, it was settling, not a place of empowerment and feeling “right.”

There’s alot more going on behind the scenes here spiritually for me that I’ve not revealed that’s inspiring this deep thought about loving. There’s history here that’s inspiring this deep thought about loving. There’s new experiences going on too. So its not only Adrienne and Gillette who speak to my heart’s inner secret emotions.

I find myself sitting here on my emotional/spiritual bed of sage thinking about these things…this Love thing. I understand things about myself. I know that I keep seeking a full depth of experience from those who cannot or will not give it to me. So I have been lovingly watching myself settle for these scraps…leftovers that their own fears will allow me, or that their already full lives will provide.

I have asked myself many times why I do that.

The answer is quite simple. I do that because I thirst for nourishment. Love is nourishment. I need it. I crave to have this sustainence and rightly so.

Oh I have lots of love in my life. This isn’t whining as if I’m being a child with a cone in one hand screaming for another. No. This is about spiritual and emotional intimacy and my basic right to have it and to expect that my life partner or any other partner who tarries in my life to give it to me.

In general, in my life, deep intimacy is not forthcoming. There is either no intimacy at all because something/someone else is chosen instead of me, else its the message of ‘this far and no further’ when it comes to being intimate with me.

So I grow lonely and desperate in the deep places of me to be touched, witnessed, held, nourished. 

I have been thirsting for a very long time. Its a forced fast that I didn’t choose.

Like Adrienne, I love profoundly, yet trust doesn’t exist as I need it to. Creating safety with your partner is a form of offering love. Did you know? 

I have seen this in myself a long time. Despite seeing this in myself, I have continued to chase toward these men that I’ve loved for so long trying to get them to give me what I need. Why have I done this? Because I need love. They love me. That’s no illusion, so it was me seeking at a well of love.

But these men can’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t give me loving intimacy. 

I need to be trusted with your heart and with your fragility. Do you hear me? I need you to stop pushing me away. I have said this many times before. So many, I am sure that by now its long past thousands of times. I know and you know that you are so very well aware how much I am hurting and we both know its your behavior/choices that causes this pain.

Yet you hold aloof from me anyway.

I need to be picked. I need to be loved enough to be picked.

But that’s not going to happen.

For years now, I have continued to try to coax trust and love and attention where its not forthcoming. I’ve been given the leftovers of their lives and trust and its never enough.

Its never enough because its just not enough…not because there’s something wrong with me, nor because my expectations are too high. I’m not greedy.

I’m just misplacing my efforts, seeking from a muddy well instead of a pure clear, abundantly flowing one.

So I’m better off with this fast just now. I’m better off letting my emotional efforts be directed toward filling myself up with as much self love as I can muster. I am better off focusing on manifesting my dreams than chasing after men.

(This is NOT a D/s issue, by the way. Its a relationship issue. The D/s has just made the whole thing much more complicated.)

I don’t want to be seen as a chore which is grueling to attend to, but *with a long suffering sigh*, you’ll…eventually…deign….to give…me… your very weighty attention. Maybe. If I don’t piss you off. Or make you feel insecure in some way I don’t understand. It doesn’t matter that I’ve told you that it hurts my feelings to be told I’m a chore. I want to have a man feel I’m worth any effort because I’m me. I told you that too. More than once. Yet you just keep saying that to me. It doesn’t matter that I need that time with you. That my health depends on it. You just keep making me feel like I am not worth the effort at all.

*sighs…* I am getting real close to all done with this situation too.

I don’t want to be anyone’s guilty pleasure or hobby. I am not a hobby. I don’t want the scraps from another woman’s table. I want my life partner.

I don’t want some half ass excuse of ‘friendship’ any more. Its not real love…it can’t be claimed that anyone loves me if all I get is an email once a month that’s got three sentences in it, and that half the time full of terse energy because you are irritated about something that I don’t even understand. That’s just bullshit. Real love burns to be demonstrated in some way that’s palpable. Otherwise its some lip service that wastes my heart on nothing nourishing.

I am tired of being the good little wife who will always be there no matter how much you don’t show up emotionally. Putting on the clown for me to make me laugh is just not enough any more to make up for the years of pain caused from this infinite and infinitely beautiful and immeasurably precious open heart being pushed away and neglected….day after day…year after year…

I am pissed.

Mmm…There’s a deep down fury boiling in me. Its coming out about stupid shit when I’ve got too much pms going to talk myself down out of it. But I am beyond angry and it seems I’m staying that way, since were’ now on month four of this anger dwelling with me.

I don’t feel angry at myself.

I don’t feel any need to take that anger out on anyone, not even those who have let me down and hurt me.

I know that I have done my best over and over again to do the right thing, to be loving, endlessly accomodating and forgiving and understanding…and…and…and…and more fucking ‘and’. I have done every blessed thing I can do to be a good lover, wife, companion….to be ‘in sickness and in health until death do us part.’

I am even very, very sure that they have done their best most of the time in most of the circumstances I’ve shared with them. But I’m still pissed at them because each and every one of them took/is taking from me what my very fragile, very vulnerable heart held/holds out in offering despite knowing full well they couldn’t or wouldn’t give a damn thing worth growing old with…or getting well from.

I deserve better than that. 

I’m

All

Done

With

That.

I am fasting through my own choice now, not because Another is starving me with his actions and choices.

Life is going to change. Not because they do. I’m no longer going to be such a push over. I am retaining my own power. I am not giving it to them any more. I will not even be holding open some inner emotional space for anyone any more on the off chance that they might, just maybe, some day, free themselves to love me again in a tangible way.

Fuck that.

That’s an unholy vow. It shows a serious lack of self love and it is a betrayal of my own need to be happy in the depths of my own soul. 

I was once taught by someone that we teach people how to treat us.

If I keep betraying my own need for deep intimate love with a man by settling for emotional scraps from people who claim to want me in their life, how can I possibly expect anyone to actually give me more than those scraps? 

No. If I want real intimacy, then I need to stop settling for fucking eggplant…

And I need to stop letting this extraordinary love I feel for these men be my excuse for settling. I keep saying to myself…’but I love them and that love is precious and worthy of my honoring’.

Yup. Its true. I love them. That love is indeed more precious than anything to me. It is worthy of honoring. Their love for me is real too.

But I am precious. My heart is precious. It deserves intimacy. It deserves honoring. If I want to be picked, then I have to pick me first. If I want intimacy, then I have to make room for a person who will really give it to me. And what’s more, I need to stop giving anyone who holds himself aloof from me, no matter his history or role with me in the past, the honor seat. 

They aren’t doing a damned thing to earn it after all…

Will I be soft and accept some time from those I love? Yes. Will I still love them? Yes. Will I still treat them with respect and honor? Yes. Will I be bitter with them? No. Will I still laugh with them and talk to them generously and celebrate them? You betcha. I love them.

But when life hands me Another by whom I am cherished and nourished as I deserve to be and whom I also love profoundly, it will be this new Love that I grasp with both hands.

And I will not look back with regret at what I’ve chosen.

Because I have/am/will choose happiness.

And ebullient brimming over happiness simply does not exist for me with those I love just now. Its simply the truth. I can avoid that truth no longer as I sit here on this bed of sage. Its really quite impossible to do anything but get still with Truth when you sit here like this.

At some point Truth will require actions and decisions and I will be strong enough to make them when the time comes. Make no mistake about that.

Top image here. Bottom image unknown.