Muttering Away

I feel in a funny place about lots of things. On the one hand there’s lots of deep stuff going on in me. Stuff that doesn’t belong on a blog…stuff related to my upcoming ceremony and just my life in general. Stuff about loving and submission and awakening the steel in me to a deeper level. Its a one on one, talking over a fire sort of conversation, not a bloggy conversation.

On the other hand, I’ve no deep need to verbalize most of it. Its just the stuff I live with. Its got no need for words. Words will make it smaller and boxed. The only reason to share it is to connect; for the simple affectionate experience of being witnessed as a person by the people I care about.

And then looking into the murky waters of my ego…I really can’t think of a damned thing to say today anyway. It just doesn’t matter that I find anything to chatter about anyway.

So…why the muttering at all?

Connection. Simple connection. It feels good. It feels good to say to you that my whole being is stirred up by something holy, by a new sensual/spiritual relationship growing incrementally in my life (a good and sweet pace, even if we both feel impatient about it frequently) and that I am going to change again and I don’t know how. I am simply submitting to the process, letting the waters of life flow over me and take me along on the current with very little directing from me beyond a few things I feel sure of and insist on.

I got my birthday spanking on Monday. Did you know that this slapper leaves a bit of a rose bud print on your butt? My husband went for a dozen roses…He only got two to come up on my bottom, despite a full traditional birthday spanking ‘with one to grow on’. After Sunday’s really hard spanking (yup I did get one after all), I was tender, so he spanked me gently most of the time. That’s when he finally mentioned to me that the hash marks that are on John’s other paddles leaving little prints on my bottom too when he paddles me with them. I had no idea. I don’t know why that amuses me but it does. He charmed me further in grabbing a cheek with one hand and smacking it fast and repeatedly to get the roses to come back up visible. God he makes me laugh…

Oh…another muttering…

A dream I had. I was on my knees in front of a man in my dream. In my dream the man was nondescript. I assumed a ‘Universal’ male figure, not any specific man in my life. He wanted me to come with him and have sex. Now. I felt compelled to follow my spiritual guidance and write. I didn’t move. I didn’t leave to go write. I didn’t follow him, but I felt my whole being shape shifting in ripples and the core of me remaining me in my normal form on my knees waiting for the conflict to resolve itself.

What struck me about the dream was the shape shifting…the urge to become the form that He wanted me to be in was just so compelling. I felt a boneless desire to melt into Him and give every last drop of my essence toward his desire for me. I felt fascinated watching myself. I felt the turmoil of the conflict.

It has never been more clear to me how conflicted I can become between my spiritual guidance to do something and my desire for a man. It was never been more clear to me how deep seated being submissive is to me. It really is soul deep. It is exactly the same way I’d feel if two men I submit to were giving me simultaneous conflicting commands. I’d have to just stand there and wait for them to resolve it between them. I could not choose one over the other. My heart and my desire are not expendable nor divisible. I cannot be chopped up into parts of myself. I am a whole being. Love flows from me without division. It just is. I am just me. Frankly, the only reason that polyamory works for me as a submissive is because anyone else in my life is so respectful of my marital agreements. It is my job to enforce the boundaries of those agreements…but I sure do have a hard time if anyone pushes me on them. I know right away that this person is not right for me if he’d disrespect my marriage and our agreements because bottom line is, he’s not respecting my heart, which hurts if its made to choose. Anyone who is right for me would know that and would never put me in that position.

But then, this dream isn’t a commentary about that. its a commentary on the change that’s happened in me…to not sacrifice my purpose to please and have time with my lover.

In the dream, I became lucid. I got up and wrote. Literally and dream wise. Not because I chose one submission over another, but because its my purpose. Its who I am.

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Goodbye :: Girl
2. Cage :: Nicholas
3. Buddy :: My
4. Magic words :: Please, Yes, Thank you
5. Library :: Card
6. Fall in love :: Bliss
7. Tense :: Past
8. Work! :: guess
9. Empty :: Gas Tank
10. Heat wave :: Humidity

Top Image: Gonzales

Bottom Image: unknown