Koan

I was sitting having lunch on Saturday and heard the chicks rushing around their box madly peeping. I thought, “What are they doing?! Did one of the cats get in the house and started to pester the birds?” I got up to look. They are very fragile the first few weeks of life. They can die of stress easily, so I went to chase the cat back out of the house. To my surprise, there was no cat, but the chicks were still rushing around wildly in the box, chirping excitedly, so I peered in around the heat lamps and saw one particular chick running full tilt around with something in its mouth. It had alot of coordination. I was a bit surprised. I surmise that it was the same chick I saw chasing a fly that was in the box teasing it on Friday. Anyway, the little bugger was in there with a little ball of shit in its beak that had all sorts of grain stuck to it. The others were chasing him, trying to take it away from him. You could almost see them all thinking out loud “Wee! Wee! You can’t get me!” and “Get him! Get him!” *chuckles* They were so cute. Little yellow puffballs running around with no seeming purpose but to chase each other over a ball of shit…and as I watched the little bugger with the shit ball gulped it down. Yummy! Don’tcha just feel so inspired to sit down and eat those eggs now?! LOL!

Recently Monk wrote a post about what he enjoys as a top. I thought most of his list was intoxicating, but foremost I thought that his viewpoint that trust is intoxicating was really interesting. I remember the few times I have been given that trust as a top and the additional times I’ve been given that trust as a spiritual healer and teacher. He’s right. Its intoxicating. It is an awesome blessing too.

As a submissive woman, I am starting to suspect that not all of my desire to submit to a man is about the sex. It used to be much more about the sex; as in, I couldn’t feel as deep a submission to a man if I didn’t feel wildly intoxicated by his physical presence. Nevertheless, the love I felt only made my submission feel complete.

I suspect that I have changed and that its the submission itself that I find intoxicating, irrespective of feeling intoxicated by the man involved. I cannot separate the man from the submission at all. That’s not what I mean to say. I mean to say that sex seems to be separating itself from this equation. I find his personality, his heart and his soul intoxicating. The sex is the icing on the cake now…it is the thing that makes the submission feel complete.

That is a change in me; that it is not all about the sex.

I feel really grateful about that. I think that this is a step along the path to an answered prayer that I’ve made that I be able to source through others, not source others for love. There is a difference. I am not sure how these puzzle pieces fit together as yet for me.

I found this recently on a favorite blog called OceanShaman:

What is the true meditation?
It is to make everything:
coughing, swallowing, waving the arms,
motion, stillness, words, action,
the evil and the good, prosperity and shame,
gain and loss, right and wrong,
into one
single
koan.

Hakuin

I have tried to live this koan. I think this too is another part of that puzzle I just spoke of. I am trying to understand how trust and love fit together. How I can transcend others foibles or the disappointments of unfulfilled needs or love without loosing trust. Something is evolving in me. I can feel it. I don’t quite have words for it yet though…only a profound gratitude.