Journal Bits

I’ve had some moments of deep giddy joy this past week/end…It felt good….*happy grins* Grief is a difficult thing to deal with. It is just never comfortable. Doesn’t matter if its yours or mine, its just no damn fun. But it just can’t be avoided. You gotta go straight through it until you get to the joy again. Joy always returns though. Just like sunshine after rain. If you are willing to go through it….if you stay willing to meet life with open eyes, heart and mind.

So here I am getting a bit of reward for letting it be what it is when the wave rolls over me…Life is all about the waves. I guess the trick is to get a floating device and learn how to ride well. *winks* Mmm…and I’m definitely all about that floating freely thing. Gotta have it.

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So…I was over at Rosa’s blog. She was sharing some music she likes. John Mayer. I like!

Here’s some:

Submissive Journal Prompts

• Where did you get the name you use online or in the scene? What is its meaning?

There are some archetypal images that have lots of meaning for me: The Tree of Life, Greenwoman and man, Seed/Egg, Rainbow Bridge…Greenwoman is an archetype that represents the life force that is innate in the land…a mother type nourishing force…the fecund properties of the land which ever springs forth to grow, no matter how we take from her or how harsh the environment is. Considering my love of these symbols of life, I guess Greenwoman just seemed a natural choice for my profile name.

As for my screen name Shannee Green? The first name is really mine. Its part of a first name. Green is the beginning of Greenwoman and since I love green and have green eyes…it just fits.

In a scene…? I don’t do just scenes. Either I have a D/s relationship or I don’t share submission or bdsm. As for a pet name? I recently shared about that. If you want to read through that long post to find the names, you go right ahead…I don’t want to get that grief started again, so nuff said about that.

• When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?

I think that I am most aware of my submission after the fact instead of within an exchange…because when I am really being submissive, I’m simply responding in the moment to his direction. I don’t think about not doing anything he asks for an instant. The world disappears and all that exists is him and what we are doing together. I am only aware of my submission when I’m marveling at my experience with him later and when I am cataloging the changes in my emotions and trust in him that resulted from those moments.

• What seven words would you use to describe yourself?

Spiritual, Writer, Silly, Compassionate, Thoughtful, Joyful, Kind

Hmmm….I noticed that it didn’t occur to me to put Healer in there for the first time in many years. Gonna have to think on that…and you know, that right there is why I like to do prompts like this.

Some later thoughts…? Storyteller, Healer, Writer, Mother/Wife, Blissful, Sensual

• When you are near the end of your life, reflecting back over the years you have lived, the choices that you have made.. what would you like to remember?

That my family and I loved each other well, that I achieved my vision and accomplished my goals, that I lived a venerable life, that I was brave and showed fortitude about loving, that I helped make that miracle happen that Paul and I occasionally mention here when we exchange comments…

• Do you enjoy deprivation of certain things you once took for granted? If it occurs within your dynamic:

If the question refers to sensory play or physical experiences, I don’t have any situations that deprive me of anything in my current D/s relationship. The new one that’s developing will likely include this as a part of Tantric practice to develop self discipline and so enhance the practice from what I currently do.

Do I ever feel deprived in my D/s relationships? Yes. But I’m on a happy wave right now…don’t want to talk about that. *winks*

• Do Will you find it to be annoying/frustrating?

I think that I likely will find it frustrating to have denial type play with GD. But I have chosen to engage emotionally with a person who feels that Tantra is a practice of inner discipline and feels that D/s can enhance this spiritual practice by adding other methods to train me toward better control of my orgasmic responses and emotions…not to mention the drive to orgasm itself. He fully intends to enjoy watching me twirl it seems. *sighs…* Hopefully it won’t all be an exercise in frustration.

• Do you find that it is just one way amongst many to remind you of your status?

I don’t know that I really think of it that way; ’status’, I mean. I see us as equals. I am giving him the power to drive our relationship where he envisions it going, but also where we’ve agreed for it to go. I am accepting his method of getting us there, but he’s not going to force me to do it his way. He’s interested in my opinion, but I will not push to have my way. I will do it his way, because I want to follow his lead. I don’t have a lesser status than him…so no. Does it remind me of the feelings of submission I have when I am reminded of the exchange? yes. In this instance, I am sure that it will remind me of the exchange…but more importantly it will remind me that I want this discipline for myself as much as for pleasing him with my success.

A little more John, but I warn you the intro sounds are intensely loud on the ears:

Thursday Question #34

Is there an age where you should consider retiring from BDSM activities? Is there an age that you shouldn’t play at public events any more? Can you get too old for the Lifestyle?

As a woman in her mid 40’s I’m seeing myself beginning to age. I am watching the estrogen slowly leaving my body, leaving changes in my skin. They aren’t dramatic or terribly obvious yet. But I can see the hints of what my face will look like in 20 years now, whereas I couldn’t five years ago. I also see the changes in my psychology which I’m learning occurs when a woman enters her croning years…I don’t care much what others think and from the examples of my many friends in their 50’s and 60’s, that trend is just plain going to continue….*grins and thinks of Paul’s recent remark about me being a Queen…* I am seeing the small changes in how quickly my body responds to activity. It is holding muscle longer despite inactivity, which means they are thickening as they do with age. Little things that i know are indications of aging beginning to happen. And that’s not to mention I’m starting to really see some grey. I am all too aware of this youth crazy culture just beginning to lump me into the ‘too old’ for that category, when I see a man of thirty take a second look, see grey and do the “too old’ categorizing that didn’t happen just five years ago. *smiles*LIttle does he know that I am waaay more fun to play with now, than I was five years ago. Hell, I’m waaay more fun than I was two years ago.

The thing is? Age has nothing to do with sex or the heart or with an expression of soul. I’ve got some friends that are well into their 60’s. A couple of them I’d really have fun with. Damn they are sexy! And my women friends are anything but uninterested in sex. In facet, they complain about company because they aren’t getting to have sex in their open structure house. LOL! Age is just a number. So long as your body can dish out or take bdsm, then you aren’t too old to experience it and most certainly there’s no corresponding age at which you become too old to participate. Participation or non participation is a very private choice…but I don’t think it should ever be made simply because a person or people think a number is too high. Nor should aged appearance enter in to it either. An aging couple working together is just as valid, just as sexy and just as beautiful as a youthful one. And I’d say that a couple playing at that age has alot to teach that younger men and women could learn from, because it takes a great deal of skill to work around the challenges of age and still achieve equal or better results as can be got from a fresh young body.

Remember when I wrote a bit about the Elements in a post recently? Well one of the readers here followed up with me later asking me to teach her a bit more about the elements (earth, water, fire, air and ether). For others who are curious about this topic also, I’ve begun a series of posts on Little Seeds about that, taking one element at a time.

Another post I’ve done recently is on Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, the artist whose tarot illustrations lit up this post. Top: Death, Middle: The Wheel of Fortune, Bottom: The World. I rather like this deck. I might just have ta git me one a dese…*grins*

Thursday Question #35

What is the scariest toy in the toybox? What do you wish would just get lost accidentally?

Without a doubt there’s one thing that can bring on my intensity and bring me to the edge of my emotional and mental seat….and sometimes even my physical seat. *winks* That is always my partner’s mind. To me, toy equals tool. A mind is the most important tool in the bdsm and D/s toybox. Do I wish he’d loose that accidentally? No. But I wouldn’t mind him forgetting some things now and again. *winks*

Are there toys that scare me or make me intensely uncomfortable in my toybox? Not at present…I don’t own toys I’m not willing to use. If they would scare me alot, I wait until I know more about them or I wait until I can see a demonstration with them. This may change though because I have a feeling that GD is going to add some things to his toy box which will have me hoping he’d loose them.

I have always hinted or down right asked nearly every Dom I’ve played with if he’d find it fun to play with a remote control vibrator and other discreet public orgasmic games. Done properly, no one knows but the couple itself but its the thought of being found out that adds to the intensity of the play and really makes me burn. Not one of the Doms would do it. But…*grins* GD is already talking about getting one of the remote controlled vibrators to use on me…and is full of wicked mental grins while teasing me about it, I might add. I am not sure I’m going to be happy I made this suggestion for a toy as, in fact, I truly hate vibrators. I just wanted to play with one of these remote control vibrators because I wanted to try this orgasmic game. Experience will tell if its too intense for me I guess….*grins* I also guess that regardless of my liking for it, once he’s got the thing, unless I use my safe word, he’s gonna wear out batteries with it nearly constantly for awhile until I gain enough control for him to grow bored with it. LOL!