All Roads Lead To Trust

Most of the time, I don’t tell people what I’m really thinking and feeling. I have to laugh when people assume that I’ve been so ‘profoundly’ self revealing. I think to myself, “That’s history. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t have shared it. The real juicy stuff, I don’t even tell 99.9% of the people in my life….cause that’s the shamanic/emotional stuff. That’s where I truly live. This stuff? Its the lovely stuff that’s on the periphery of the real juicy stuff.

When I decide to face something though, I do it as well as I may…even if it surprises someone. For instance, I decided to lick an issue that I knew was keeping me from standing tall. I had this viewpoint that grief and hurt from loss was somehow bestial and shameful….that it should be hidden…especially from the person I feel it for. It was all a part of that whole idea I used to have of being unworthy of love. Rooting that false belief out of me has been a primary focus in my life the past year. A part of that journey was to let others witness my grief and to express it however it needed to be expressed on a private blog and here. I did so fearlessly and I let the person I grieved for read there as he would. In fact, I would have been deeply hurt if he didn’t want to read there. I needed him to read there and keep me company until I was on the other side of the grief. He did that fearlessly. No matter what I said, he didn’t run away. He didn’t hide how he felt either. He just loved me and listened. He told me many times that he’s not afraid of my emotions. I had never encountered that before. It proved true. For the first time in my life, I had someone who would stand in the fire with me as the emotions washed over me. He wouldn’t run away no matter how long its taken. He told me the truth when I was being an idiot. *smiles* He still does. He told me his truth when he hurt as best he could too. He reassured me. He listened. He didn’t judge. He didn’t give up on me even when I pushed him away again and again. He just gave me his unconditional love. He still does.

I shed such huge amounts of shame and all the twacked out ideas that go with seeing myself as unworthy within the safety of his witnessing…and I was able to risk adding others to that list of those I would reveal to without shame….letting the circle of self trust grow bigger….and finally, I have got to a place where I believe without condition that I am loved if someone says it. It is not a tentative belief either. It is a conviction in the center of my soul. I am learning to believe in someone else’s admiration for me too. Soon, I think that will be a conviction also. *smiles*

Being transparent like that took desperation, not just bravery. I knew it would take doing something really self revealing in order to root out that old belief about my worth and all that attendant shame. I couldn’t stand that poison in me any longer though. If getting it out takes letting someone see me puke emotionally, then that’s what it takes. I’ll do it I thought. So I did it. I still do it. Even when people complain that I’m repeating myself. Its my purification process. I have to do it.

It was also a form of submission. Had I not given M my grief this way, I would have fully released my submission to M. I often thought of myself as stepping outside it…but that’s not really true. I was confused by the deepening submission and love for a very long time….but finally I realized that giving him my grief and my acceptance of his choices without any holding back…even begging sometimes aloud in those posts on my blog….those are no different than if I had begged and emoted with passion. It is no less ragged. And yes…it is bestial in a way…but that puppy like loyalty and earnestness is just a part of submission in some ways. And strangely enough, I discovered a source of dignity in it that I never knew existed and people notice it about me now. I’ve had a number of people who have known me for years remark at how peaceful I seem now. They remark on the sadness they feel in me…but also that I carry it with a dignity and peace that they’ve never known me to have…a few have even made mention of the fact that I seem so contained now. That made me smile. I realize now that I had a great need for reassurance all the time. I tried to be cool and not haunt people for it. But it was there in me.

The deepening submission to M gave me the strength to try submission again with my husband when he finally began to express an interest in it again. M wanted me to seek my husband for this….he felt it would make me happier. I didn’t at first though….I was scared that I was doing it only to please M. That would have been the wrong reason for it. When I knew it was about my husband, I gave submission as best I could to my husband and I have found even more peace. As time passes, I am sure that I will feel even more at peace.

This process of trusting to grieve brought me more trust in general as I discovered that I am more capable of trust than before. How could I not be? Trust isn’t first sourced in another…it is sourced first in self and extended toward another as a result of its existence in self. If I know that I am worthy, lovable and therefore safe inside my mind and heart…that I will not think horrid thoughts about how ‘bad’ I am or whatever, then I can look out on the world and see innately who and what is safe and lovable and worthy. It reflects me after all. If I am safe inside myself, then its easy to see that safety reflected in others. And that old wariness stands me good faith now, because it can stand beside the trust and assess in all honesty what’s true about a person before I extend my trust and it can be there helping me as I extend my trust each day.

I trust M utterly because we’ve shared this loss together. My submission to him is far deeper than it ever was when were together as a couple. And my love continues to grow for him. Yep. It is not tested by familiarity of togetherness. If he ever came back, he’d likely irritate me with things and I would likely irritate him. That’s life. It is okay that he grows in my mind into superman here behind the scenes…I can still see him clearly. I can still see that he’s a bit of a workaholic and that he pushes himself too hard. I can still see his impatience and temper right along side that superman thing I have going.

I suppose that letting someone go is one of the biggest risks one can offer to a trusting heart. That I came out the other side of that risk with more trust than ever is a gift to me. It is one that I am applying to my life as best I may in other areas. I am facing the tests of trust that my marriage brings me. I am facing the fear I have of boring my friends to tears while I figure out aloud how to stop diverting from my goals. I am facing the fear I have of asking for what I’d like from others I love. I am facing my very great fear of trusting again to let a tantric partner into my life. I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to engage him, but I am letting the search unfold for him. I am trusting my judgement about who is right for me and who is not.

I am not really sure there’s some ‘wrap it up into a nice package’ kind of point to this post. I’m just talkin’…and the talkin’ started this morning when I found the courage to ask G not to leave today. He wanted to know I was okay and that I was happy. Once he had assured himself of that, he’s of a mind to go now. I found the courage this time to ask for his friendship. I doubt he’ll give it. He is who he is….and friendship with a woman he longs for so much is not what he’s about most likely. But I asked…and it was on my mind…all this was on my mind when I read “All roads lead to trust.” That’s a quote from a very sweet post by Persephone. I find that to be true as you’ve just read…but it is only so if you risk. Trust is not expanded unless you risk and test and push it a bit.

I have shared here that I’m Buddhist…but I rarely speak much about the Lakota teachings that I seek in my life. One of the precepts of the lifestyle of Lakota wisdom…and that’s a deliberate wording there is about bravery. My experience of these simple teachings from Lakota tradition is that wisdom is something you live. It is a living thing also. It takes up residence within you and adds the still small voice inside that tells you what’s right for you…it is a part of the pool of peace we all carry inside which can guide us easily if we but pay attention to which way that pool of peace reaches toward when we wonder what’s next. Anyway, that “All roads lead to trust” kinda fits nicely with “Bravery is a requisite virtue because life demands it” Its true. It does…and so all roads lead to trust. Life will kick your butt. Its just the way it is. But how you manage that…well that’s a matter of bravery and trust isn’t it?

Hmmm…I guess I did have a little “wrap it up nicely” package didn’t I? See what I mean about that wisdom becoming a living thing inside? *winks* Yup. That is how that living wisdom works. It just springs out and then there “it” is sitting there facing oneself and what else can you do but grin at it, admire it for what it is and how hard it was to learn and then go about your business, happy its living in there with you?

By the way, the image I included here is called The Rose and I’ve reviewed the artist here if you care to see.