Gorgeous

Check out these absolutely gorgeous canes! Wow….I would adore one of these. They even have some with dragons on them! Yummy!

Another post on polyamory…this time Gillette talks about Selfishness. As a woman who has been on all sides of this question of monogamy vs polyamory, I must agree with all of Gillette’s conclusions. I have been the woman who was cheated on. I have been the woman who is content and happy with monogamy. I have been the woman who loved and lost at polyamory because of a woman who did not wish polyamory though she also did not want sensuality in their life as a couple. I have seen the deep wounds in the eyes of the man I loved because he could not have his wife and it was breaking him as a person to not have the intimacy of sensuality in his life. I have felt the wounds of heartache and jealousy in my own heart because I could no longer have the man I love because she will not consent to it. I have been joyful and excited about the fun of my sexual freedom and the synergy, maturity and wisdom it added to my marriage and to each of us as individuals. I have seen other couples dealing with all of these issues and some handle it well, while others do not….wreaking havoc on the marriage. So in the end, it is true…it is really the Dance between the I’ness and the We’ness of life that a marriage or any other relationship is all about, romantic or not.

And I’ve been mulling over some more questions that Vespertine posed in February with her post Higher Love Part II.

What is my sexual “role,” now that I’m maturing? What has it been in the past? And how have my own desires played a part in shaping that role, or perhaps in getting me to become what I’ve always been all along?

The word virgin was mentioned a few times in this post and the comments that followed it. To my knowledge words have history and their original meaning at the time of their invention, may be dramatically different in this modern time. To my knowledge, the word virgin at the time of the word’s invention meant simply a woman who is not married. It didn’t mean a woman who had a cherry. It didn’t mean a spinster or a woman of a particular age. It simply meant that she was not married. She could have many lovers. She could be any age. She could have had many children. She simply was not married. Times altered the meaning of this word to include a young woman with her hyman intact and not children. A woman who had no sexual congress whatsoever and who was not married at all.

The reason I bring this up is that while we attach alot of meaning to words…I think that we also allow words to form us. Just because there is not word for what we might be/are/become, we very often think that we have no place, no structure or role that makes sense.

I think we all instinctively know that words have power and that we need them to help ourselves understand….and yet there is another power. A power that is wordless. And from within that word-less space there is everything. We can create as we choose…and name as we choose…or not.

I do not know what my role is becoming. I know what I see myself doing in others lives. It is the same thing I’ve always done. I effect people. They feel and think around me. They see things in themselves in me. I let my warts and my shiny spots hang out around the edges and I don’t shrink from them. I dare. I ache. I exalt in front of others…and they respond. Either inwardly or with me…but most people respond to me…even if its just in irritation. *smiles*

Sometimes that’s meant that I was the shit carrier. In other words, I brought to the attention of others the things that I cannot accept because they are outside the agreements ‘we’ made. Sometimes its meant that I am the dakini. A new word for me. But sometimes its sex that I share to heal and sometimes its merely pointing something out and saying that I accept that about you….but it heals and sooths and comforts and usually makes people feel safe. And feeling safe emotionally and sexually is such a crucial thing to happiness that it cannot be underestimated and should always be sought.

I am also frequently a teacher sexually. I think I seem an approachable person, so people look to me to teach them things. I don’t know everything, that’s for sure, but sex is such an adventure to me that this even seems okay, because we can explore together and mull things over together.

These are the roles that come to me. I am comfortable with them.

Sex has always been a path of the heart for me. It has broken my heart many times and wounded my mind and body. It has also helped me transcend so many things in my life. It takes me to my soul…as I’ve said many times.

It will continue to do so. Because sex, the heart and the soul are all one thing to me. They cannot be separated and I certainly agree with Vespertine that I see no good vs bad or dark vs light about sex needing to take me in one direction or another. I think it is simply needful to be in balance and to be whole about things…and a part of that is to see the darkness in our hearts and minds just as it is to spend lots of time seeking and accepting the glory and splendor in our beings. For most of us that’s the part that’s actually hardest to accept…that we are actually great beyond words.

It is so for me.

I am in transition. Have been for awhile. Actually, transition is normal for me. I like change. Its a part of what keeps life exciting.

But I am in transition about sexuality right now. I do not know where life and the erotic will take me. So I actually don’t have an answer to the question of what’s bubbling up for the future. We shall see…and its likely lots of what I see will be discussed here sooner or later in some fashion.

And since this is a post with a bit of my thoughts about a number of things, here’s a short quote that I truly liked from a new blog I found on Saturday:

Like this, so still and patient, I am most predatory, and it’s so familiar to me. Here it is, this gift of me, to do with as you like: to tease, or take, always in the knowledge that there will be no resistance. This is how I have always got what I want: a silent offering-up that equates to a lying in wait.

That is exactly how I feel…and it describes this specific sort of dominance I feel in me so very well.

And some final thoughts…about polyamory. Tonight, for the second time, my husband is going out to hang out at a bdsm party. He has been all mine for so long. I feel twinges of worry and jealousy. Nothing that feels painful or scary…just twinges. I know that he will come home, but I feel scared of the changes this will make between us…but I am also seeing the changes its already creating between us. He is returning to Husband…and I need that from him. So, these outings are good for us…good for me. I need him to be my dominant…And these parties are helping him with that process, so I am also anxious for him to go to them. I cannot wait to see the next month of evolution that he will experience and then implement in our bed to my great pleasure and satisfaction.

Photo credit: Arina Sergei