Tantra: Dropping In a Question

If I like a blog, I look at the blogroll there. Don’t you? I keep my eye out for updates to the blogroll on my favorite blogs. I’ve no idea how long Gillette has had Vespertine Erotica on her blogroll, but its a recent discovery for me. A woman who thinks sex is deep… *smiles* My kind of woman. So I’ve been casually reading there ever since Gillette did a post on one of Elizavetta’s deep questions. Here’s the first question:

What (if any) is the higher purpose of my specific set of sexual desires at this point in my life?

Intriguing question. Not something I normally ask myself. You’d think I would considering I think sex is sacred, but I really haven’t asked myself this very obvious question. But it is a question that I did that dance with…yanno the dance…. The ‘I don’t wanna, but I think maybe I should give that some serious thought’ dance….Yeah. That dance. I didn’t feel called to answer the question right away though. Its one of those questions that I dropped in to the cauldron, but then let it percolate. Yup. I know. I’m being resistant. I do that. But when something jangles that dance in me, I’m curious. I have to follow it up sooner or later. I’m forever curious about what makes me resistant and what I can do to have more freedom inside myself and in the way I live my life.

Then a friend sent me a suggestion for a meditation practice and as a result that question seemed more compelling to answer….

So yeah…I’m gonna answer the question and share it hear. I think that there’s alot of times when my processing helps others along the way…might do so here also.

I don’t think I can really answer that question without first identifying the desires:

• I need to experience devotion on alot of levels. For me, the word devotion is not what you think of in association with religion, though I often seek spiritual experiences of devotion that have nothing to do with other people….its something purely ritualistic and personal. I do that through solitary tantra and other spiritual rituals. Devotion is submission, but it is a surrender to Love in the highest sense and so any emotions I feel toward a specific person is both personalized and transcendent. It is…something that is not easy to describe. I’m not sure it can be. I’ve tried many times. The most recent effort to share even a little piece of this devotion was here.
• In that same post, I talked about my deep desire for a tantric partner. I haven’t actively pursued this with anyone. I have in the past. These days, I want someone who wants it for their own personal growth. I don’t want to seek a person who wants to explore with me. I want a person who is exploring or avid to learn and I’m a right person to do that with. See the difference? In one, I am a reason for a type of sexual experience. In the other I’m a partner in a type of spiritual experience….that just happens to be sexual also.
• Extending that desire, there’s also a deep yearning for union. For embracing intimacy and love. I mean that not only in the sense of my action, but the passive experience of it. So yeah. I do want it to be about me. I want to feel filled up by the connection, not just explore spiritually.
• I’ve spent alot of time sick lately….and in healing meditation. That healing meditation is really stimulating to my very sensitive and already intense libido. I’ve spent alot of time being maniacally horny lately…and quite frankly, because of that I’ve been doing alot of describing of what I desire here…I really needed an outlet for the feelings that I have no serious ability to express because I feel sick. I am not comfortable with this libido when I’m well; never mind sick. Regardless, like many people, I am in a marriage in which the libidos do not match. I want more than he does. Now that’s no reflection on him. He’s seriously interested in sex every day…but where he wants two or three hours, I find that a tease. I seriously want five and more when I’m hormonal. Yeah. I know. Woe is me. *smiles*
• Sex makes me creative. I often come out of sex with an urge to write something. I love that. I wake up from post coital naps with songs, stories, and poetry alot! What artist wouldn’t want that?!
• I think I’ve made it pretty clear here that I need submission time over the past month because of all the writing I’ve done lately. I’ve been getting my needs met about that at home more. I am deeply happy about that. I have faith that more and more of my needs will be met at home, given time. There’s an aspect of my desires which are really needs that I think I’ll need to seek elsewhere sometimes, despite my marriage being so generous in making me really happy. There is a combination of very lengthy sex, submission in which it is not so easy to negotiate my way into something less emotionally challenging and soulful connection that I need. I need the combination of physical challenge and depletion, lengthy sex in which I have cum so much I can’t cum any more, surrender to the pleasure of another and last but not least, being filled up with love. I need the all day ritual of sex to take me deep inside and fully outside myself…to both empty out and fill up completely.
• I desire the synergy in my marriage that comes of having a lover. My husband likes having me to himself, but he’s just as happy to share me. Its arousing. I like it when my husband is aroused for me….when he’s all hot for me when I get home.
• I need to touch. I really do need it. That’s part of why I love massage work. I like to touch people. I’m not talking about sexual touch necessarily and certainly with my business, that’s not what I’m doing. But I need loving touch. I need to feel love flowing through my hands. I need to feel the textures of skin. I need the joy of knowing my hands are leaving happy behind. When it comes to sex, that need intensifies. I ache to touch. I want to explore every texture. I need touch that much myself. I rarely get enough of it. Somehow, that intense need is assuaged greatly by offering what I need to others.
• I need orgasm. It is a stressbuster. Its also a spiritual experience for me. Orgasm from masturbation just doesn’t feel fulfilling. It feels like a mechanical thing. It just makes me more comfortable, sure. Well most times it makes me more comfortable. Sometimes it just frustrates me because the energy I release fills back up in less than five minutes because its just so torrential. *sighs…* So rarely does does sex with myself leave me feeling like I got something deep from it and those times are only those times I am practicing solitary tantra. No. I need to share orgasm. So I desire sex for the connection through orgasm, not really the orgasm itself. Orgasm is the vehicle for the connection. Its what makes the connection ecstatic and joyful to me.

So…okay. Nothing I haven’t said before at one point or another here, but I admit that I actually clarified a few of these points for myself, so it was a good exercise.

So now to the question at hand: What’s the higher purpose of my sexual desires…(hell I’d like to know what’s the higher purpose of this maniacal sex drive to be honest…)

I think one of the primary reasons for these desires is that they take me to my soul and my heart…which is really the same thing for me. Give me an orgasm and I get a little trancy and soulful. Give me an orgasm at the hands of someone I’m fond of and I get open hearted and joyful. Give me an orgasm at the hands of someone I love and I become devoted and within that surrender, ‘no’ really doesn’t apply. Loosing my busy mind, loosing Self gives me space inside. I have insights. I experience ecstasy. I become a happy thought, not just get one. *smiles* I get fed. I can ride a high from that for weeks. Literally. Good, loving sex literally makes me feel alive and thriving.

I think my desires are forcing self discipline into me. I cannot express too well just how difficult it frequently is to think past this libido. I’m still failing more than I succeed, but I am noticing that between times when its easier, I am finding myself far more focused.

I’ve become a better person. A stronger person because my desires have taken me into loving over and over again.

They keep me identifying what’s really important to me. This? Or this?

They keep me identifying who’s really important to me.

They keep me enjoying my writing and I’ve made some wonderful friendships.

There’s more. But that’s enough for this post. There’s a few more questions  on Elizavetta’s blog that I may contemplate…when I’m done with this one. I have not reached the deep answer yet.

An update while this one was waiting to post….

Sex and these desires takes me to my true self and to some deep non sexual desires, dreams and wishes….like my writing…like my need to heal others sexually and emotionally…like my desire for sacred union.

It takes me to my purpose because it takes me into my soul and so to my higher purpose in living…Which I believe is to heal and to show others the way to joy.

Still…I think there are other deeper answers….but that’s enough for now.