I’ve had a few bumps with the dating game lately. Yup. I am thinking of dating again. I turned on profiles on dating sites again a few months ago. I take my time with that stuff. I had a few dates with a very sweet and special guy that led to some intimacy, but other than that, its been just me and Hubby. Which is fine with me. There’s been a few bumps with some potential Doms that I’ve met recently and seriously contemplated for intimacy…These are a few recent reminders of old lessons already learned which caused me to toss a couple fish back in the water….*winks*
- Definitely wait to see if the friendship is sincere. Actions speak louder than words!
- Finish all the process of intuition about whether a person is right for me.
- No phone or IM D/s before trust and intimacy is well established. It jumps ahead of the trust level and leaves me feeling uncertain.
- For that matter, I don’t really care to jump into IM or phone time with someone because it gives a false sense of intimacy that speeds way ahead of trust and compatibility with each other. For me, these communication methods are for keeping an ongoing relationship alive, not to establish one. Establishing one should be sedate. It just takes time to establish trust. Yanno? Online stuff is tricksy stuff, as Gillette says.
- No D/s before vanilla time. End of discussion. I need that time to finish the process of intuition.
- If he pushes for surrender of something I am resistant about and then whines when he gets some emotion coming his way on the subject, he’s too selfish and immature to submit to.
- If he doesn’t ask what I like, what I want and how he can help me feel safe, he’s too self absorbed and facile to submit to.
- If he asks and then does what he wants anyway….*sighs and rolls eyes…* need I say more?!
- My empathic, spiritual self should light him up. Its who I am. If it doesn’t, this one too needs no further explanation!
- If I have to remind him that I am more than ______, (whatever that is) then he’s not really looking and he’s certainly not listening.
- If I feel I have to remind him of a boundary more than once, he’s not listening.
- If he starts out Dom’ing before he’s even made friends, he’s only interested in control and that’s incompatible in some very crucial ways with how I submit….and that has little to do with service during sex…Even in D/s its a two way street. It is a relationship. It is not up to the Dom to dictate all of the relationship. It is a partnership of agreements just like any other relationship.
- If he can’t manage his own feelings about something I feel and then makes it seem that I am the one with too many emotions?! Definitely toss that one back!
Okay…I’ve been reminded. Next?
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February 28, 2008 at 9:59 am
Those reminders !!
It is something we have to do now and again
Reminded now ______Many Thanks
Should put memo up for those foggy days LMAO
LOL! When I’m having a relapse all days are foggy days. *winks* I’ve got this reminder thing down to a science now. *grins* Nice to hear from you!!
February 28, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Shannee, you have several points.
People often tend to think of subs as lesser, this couldn’t be more wrong.
Doms have certain needs that only the right sub can feed. Subs have certain needs that only the right dom can feed.
For me this implies that for a true exchange of power there has to be equality.
The idea of the sub as lesser or doormat doesn’t work out in real life.
I agree, you have to be truly compatible in a vanilla relationship, if this is so then you can go where your heart leads you.
I think a lot of what is lacking in partnerships today is the realising of the potential for growth, in every true partnership that I know there is growth, in fulfilling each others needs you are enabling each other to grow, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, if you don’t grow, you die back.
I have often wondered if some form of polyandry isn’t the way forward, not everybody can find their soul-mate, maybe we will have to learn to sip from several cups to meet our needs.
Shannee, this is a thought provoking post, what do you think???
Blessèd be and warm hugs,
Paul.
Hello Paul, *smiles* I can see that you and I utterly agree on this D/s exchange and how it works out best….and I think that this is the key to the fact that not one of my D/s relationships ended or were suspended because of the Us stuff. It was all outside causes. I think its the key to why you had a very long and happy D/s marriage too.
That growth potential is the key to keeping life interesting as far as I am concerned, but most of the world’s population doesn’t think like that. They are all for enjoyment and success. Growth is considered skill building, not transformation and most people don’t get it that being in relationships is a transformative experience and that its actually required if the relationship is to last and deepen. Hence the high divorce rate in my opinion.
In my world, soul mates are plentiful. They aren’t necessarily life partner material…but there’s so many of them I don’t know what to do with them all. LOL!
But I do think that all people are polyamorous. We all love more than one person. Polyamorous relationships that are non-monogamous romantic relationships are the unusual in Western society, but I think that it makes more sense to have the self esteem, the inner security and the trust in your relationship to allow sustenance to come for more than one beautiful and trustworthy source. But then, I’ve made my feelings on that clear from past posts….My opinion only.
As usual, your comments are though provoking. I love when you comment. *smiles*
February 28, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Maybe this should just be made into a hand out.
*snickers*
LOL! Maybe it should. Some subbies scare the crap out of me because they’ll do anything they are told, no matter how much a Dom pushes. And some Doms scare me just as much because they seem boundary-less about some really crucial things…Its just so easy to hurt and be hurt in relationships already, never mind one that is so intimate as this.
February 28, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Greenwoman,
I agree with you. Trust is of the utmost importance in any relationship. Deborah and I were friends long before we took it to the next level. In our eyes, it is what has helped keep us as strong as we are now. Yes, we have had our moments, but it was due to our time as friends that we grown to known each other to the point that we can overcome disagreements and petty fights which I will admit I tend to cause due to my emotional nature. When she entered this relationship with me, she knew how I was and how to do with it. Otherwise, she would have been caught off guard, and things could have ended up differently.
Actions do speak louder than words. Now Deborah knows my actions or inactions. It is hard to get one over on her now. She knows me like a book. Many times I have found myself in a frenzy. Instead of panicking, she defuses the situation. When she has her moments, I can comfort her. We know each other and compliment each other well. I do not think it would have been possible had we not been meant to be together or taken the time to know each other. Everything in life worthwhile takes time. Haste does make waste. Life is not a race to see who finishes first. Love isn’t either. Rather, it is the quality of the runners, and how they ran the race. If someone truly cares for you, they will give you the time you need to make an informed decision for your life.
You mentioned Gillette. I do enjoy allowing Deborah to shave away my boundaries. She does so with the trust that we have established. To me, she is the only one who can help me get passed the boundaries I set for myself. Perhaps I set them up so the right one could remove them. My higher self is wiser than my conscious self. I will trust my inner reactions to her voice, kiss, and touch.
Thank you, Greenwoman. You have given me much to ponder.
Marcus
Hello Marcus! Gee, its nice to see that you are still around a bit. Its wonderful to hear how you are doing and what’s on your mind. And as always you add lots of insightful personal experience for other readers when you comment. Tell Deborah I said hello?
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