Tantra: Rising

I was thinking about Kundalini recently. If that’s a word you aren’t familiar with, well, it refers to an energy that consumes a person spontaneously. Here’s a description that my friend Anjolie shared with me recently. I thought it rather aptly described some things about what its like to have the kundalini rise in you.

The Experience

I think the part of this person’s story that struck me the most is she reminded me of the little psychic experiences that I’d forgotten about, the stuff like shocking people for weeks afterward and having things move around me that shouldn’t have….Time began doing odd things to me too. I would think I’d done something and I’d find I hadn’t. I would live several days worth of events in just one day. I’d loose entire days and not know what had happened to me. I also had episodes of waking up to find myself home and taking the key out of the ignition. Apparently I’d driven home and had no memory of it.

That’s all stuff that was rather irrelevant to the experience though. Its just the fluffy crap that really doesn’t mean much in the end. What was really important to me was feeling so happy. I felt so alive and happy….so content.

The last time the kundalini truly rose and then descended again in me, I was with M. I was having the most incredibly rough time. I was having some severe ptsd about some old stuff. I was grieving for another lover whom I’d fallen for before meeting M. I was kind of a mess to put it mildly. This was perhaps the fourth time I’d met M in person, though we’d been making friends for about five months. I really loved him…but I was uncomfortable with letting him see my vulnerability. I made myself remain open to him despite my fears of him seeing how bad this ptsd was.

He was gentle and I was happy that I’d opened up to him. I’d been praying about my emotional healing for weeks and so had he. We made love and during a lull in our play, I could feel the kundalini rise in me. He could feel it too. The room’s temperature shot right up and we were both sweating. I began to loose focus. I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I could feel a vision coming on. We lay down and there it was. I saw things from my infancy and I felt as if I were receiving the healing that I’d prayed for. Some things were changing in me and I knew it. I didn’t fully understand them, but I knew that I was different and that a new strength was in me.

It has taken about 8 months to get to the integration stage of those moments with the kundalini, but they are finally arriving in the past few weeks. I feel a bit shy about sharing this part with you, but I will say that I’ve had another lengthy episode of ptsd as these recent months have unfolded. I was able to finally go to the bottom of some old emotional injuries that were caused by one man and compounded by all the others to come into my life later.

I have been able to take a look at some bone deep security issues in my life and to begin to overcome them for the first time in my life.

Point being? Kundalini rising is all about personal evolution…and it isn’t an overnight experience. This has been an incredibly hard year. Hard enough, that despite the blessings, I’m not sure I’d want to repeat it….but then again, revisiting time with M…? Yeah. I’d definitely do it again. *smiles*

The results of the kundalini rising can be very difficult…but also really joyful. I laughed the whole rest of the trip with M that time I experienced a rising. I was so bubbly and hopeful. The ptsd was gone for the most part and I was orgasmic if he breathed on me. I think it effected him in unexpected ways too. He stayed up for two nights in a row to have me…just as eager the second night as the first…perhaps more so the second night. I was voracious and tireless with that energy running in me. It was wonderful…

I think that’s the really beautiful part about it. I just feel so beautiful and vital and so aroused by life. Not just for sex, but for life. The sex is just an expression of that passion for living.

*smiles* Good memories with M. I’m glad that he shared this healing time with me. I’m glad that he was the partner who could be there for me in these long moments of coming to strength.