I remember the moment when I first had a complex and wonderful experience…Laughter through tears-that is, I learned to live around pain and embrace the joy in my life…to let both pain and joy flow through me with equal willingness and bravery. I remember when I trusted my own heart that much.

I remember when I first felt my heart expand in love for a man. I made a baby.

I remember when I first knew that despite my love, it wasn’t enough. I divorced.

I remember when I first felt my sexuality expand in lust and trust for a man. I embarked wide eyed and enchanted to find out what it is to be a submissive and to be the Mother’s cunt.

I remember the first time I watched my son’s heart break…I thought I would die watching it…and then I learned how important it is to have your heart broken. It is the wise wound and he needs his wise wound if he is to live a full life…just as I do. Thank God for my wise wound.

I remember my first taste of a carrot with the dirt still on; warm green tops in my hand and the cool orange on my tongue. It was so good. I remember the twinkle in my grandmother’s eyes when she handed it to me and told this little city girl that the dirt wouldn’t hurt me a bit.

I remember the first beaver dam I ever saw. I sat beside my grandfather’s knee.

I remember the first time I saw a Heron fledge…and saw a painted turtle up close as it lay eggs. I remember the burst of joy in those moments shared. What a good day that was…

I can see in my mind’s eye the moment my soul first dreamed a dream of power. I was a little girl. I remember when the dreams left….and were replaced with nightmares.

I remember when the dreams came again. I became.

And there were still nightmares for a time. But they too were wise wounds…and the silent, invisible, musical tracks on the path I followed to the training of my submissive soul.

I remember falling in love again with my husband. The moments of hugging that to me…waiting for the right moment to celebrate it with him. Seeing the relief in his eyes… and in my heart.

I remember when the dream walking began…The little seeds were given to me. I learned to garden something other than the land then. Dreaming…a thing that is not wisdom. It is responsibility. It may only be noise. Tricksy. No more.

That is when I learned that power is not at all wisdom. Not at all. Wisdom is important. Power is merely the stuff that washes over you when you are pursuing wisdom. A distraction if you let it be. A tool if you are lucky.

I remember a moment when a teacher told me that I’d never be completely happy…though, if was careful, I would get my chance when I was an older woman. I was so pissed at her. It hurt me to think I’d never live fully joyfully; that i might never live a soft life emotionally the way I see some of my friends doing.

I realize now that wise wounds are not about soft living, but living bravely and soulfully. They are about Healer. Storyteller.

I am that. I love that I am Healer and Storyteller. Accepting all that goes with that is part of my journey. Sometimes it is so hard to accept. My journey is often so very different from the ‘normal’ that looks so safe to me when I look inside at the lives my friends have.

And then I realize things that I am always saying to others; “Happiness is a choice and an action.” For me that is perhaps more True than for others. It is what it is. It is an act of power and beauty to be happy.

An act that I choose.

Even when I am filled with the emotions that draw such words as these from my heart:

I wonder if I’ll ever get to feel at full volume and luxuriously linger in the sweet energy that passed between us so briefly when we hugged…I miss you.

The sweetness of life is like a wave…it ebbs and flows, but it never goes away. It is a vast sea…ever expanding-so far past what this flicker of a human life is. So I need never worry it will be gone, if, for a moment, I look away. She is always there puddling and dragging at my toes while I walk her waves. Buoying me when I float upon her in the sunshine…The sweetness is in the light. It is the scents and sounds and the grittiness of life. It is salty to the taste…even bitter sometimes…yet even so it is sweet in its essence. So sweet to me, this thing called Life.

I was watching a movie that has been on dvd for ever now; Tuck Everlasting, as you see above. The theme over all is about not being so afraid of dying that you don’t live a full life…but for me the story takes me toward the theme of not being afraid of loss…to Trust the moment of joy so deeply that its okay that the loss comes after… To Trust the moment so much that its not the least dimmed by the coming loss.

That last is still very hard for me. I have not learned to trust quite that much…but it is the essence of my Tantric Buddhist teachings- that life is impermanent and that happiness is in acceptance of this simple truth…to embrace the Now fully and savor its sweetness so fully it imbues you with Life.

I am not good at embracing so fully that I don’t simultaneously weep for its coming loss. The fear of loss washes things grey on me at times…

But I sure do jump off the cliff anyway. *smiles*

Its been awhile since I felt strong enough, brave enough or resilient enough to jump off the cliff. Too, I am no longer sure that jumping is even necessary for me. I may have learned all I need to know about jumping emotionally. It may be that I just need moments of jumping creatively these days. We shall see. *smiles*

I miss that very unique power and beauty in me…that sense of being so fully alive which comes with jumping.

Yet I still yearn for the contented softness of life. I have been enjoying this bit of softness I’ve had for awhile now. I am getting well rested from the last jump. Occasionally, I feel restless for another jump…but I am trying to learn what its really like to be soft and contented. Feels pretty good.

What I’d like really? What I think would be healthy and wonderful for me? I want to live just beside the cliff. I want to know that I can jump anytime I like…I’d like to be both softly content and have a life fully lived.

I want to live there not just for the fulfillment of the Healer and Storyteller…but the fulfillment of the soft me…the soft submissive, begging, writhing Mother…happy. Content. Full of a sense of security inside myself…not full of wistful wishing for Another.

Because He’s right there. Filling me; this living, breathing, begging, writhing cunt archetype with His Light.

Here’s some more deep thoughts about Trust from Pamm.

And this post is inspired by this series of posts on Magpie Girl.

If you like landscapes…here’s a nice artist.

Top Image: Rassouli

“We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A hard glitter, tinged with lust filled his eyes as he took in what I’d just done. I just did it. I stopped thinking. I was filled with aggression. He’s teasing me. “I want to hear you beg.” I dropped my eyes at his expression, ashamed that I’d lost control to that degree and shoved him against the wall, but I couldn’t seem to contain myself. Following through the next urge, I lowered my head and bit him beside his nipple, turning it into a sucking kiss, and running my hand down into his pants to get to what I wanted. I was panting yet trying not to push him any harder with my pushy behavior. I hoped to arouse him if I could get my hands on him. He grunted softly as my fingers brushed the head of his cock.

I felt his hands grasp my upper arms and reverse us, pushing me abruptly against the wall. My mouth was captured by his. A punishing hard kiss. His tongue filling my mouth, while his hands continued a teasing exploration of my body, finding all sorts of places to cause shivers of desire to race over me.

I moaned when I felt my dress shred further as he sought what he wanted. My hands came up to try to get his pants open again. All I cared about was getting him inside me. Again, I am thwarted, my hands pushed behind my back, easily captured them in one of his while he continues to tease me.

“Beg…beg or I’ll tie you up and tease you a long time…”

A growl escapes me and I begin to wriggle at his fingers teasing my clit gently, softly. The softness of his touch on my clit completely at odds with his shoulder shoving me against the wall. I came and my knees buckled.

And I felt myself being lifted on to the bed, the shreds of my dress scattered oddly around me. My hands free, I went for his cock, but am captured again as he begins a slow exploration of my neck with this teeth and lips. Next, chewing my nipples softly…along my ribs…my lower belly. Each one making me writhe and yearn for him to mount me. But I won’t beg.

“Let me hear it… and I’ll give you what you want…”

His teeth find my labia, licking, biting…

Sucking me in, I feel his tongue exploring the folds of my flesh, tasting me. I groan loudly and cum. I can feel a ‘please’ rising up in me. I can feel it threatening to burst from my lips, but I grit my teeth against it.

Flipping me over, he rises back up my body and starts his biting journey again from my neck to my buttocks. I buck and writhe to try to wriggle away from the torment of his mouth. Rising yet again, he takes the flesh of my shoulder into his mouth and holds it while letting me feel his warm hardness against my cheeks, rubbing me with its soft skin. I can feel my fists ball up and I start trying in earnest to roll over. “Get off!”

I can feel anger well in me and the need to cry. A sob half escapes with a panting groan as his hand slips under me and finds my clit again. He lets my shoulder go and whispers softly…”Don’t worry. By tomorrow morning, I’ll have taken you. You’ll get what you want. Eventually. But you’ll get it sooner if you give me what I want.” And another orgasm sweeps over me. I hear a maddening chuckle in my ear and feel my body flipped over once again.

I had this idea that I would wrestle my way out of his arms because I am so upset, it seemed like a recipe for disaster to keep going…I feel determined to put a stop to things. I don’t consider my safe word. I don’t consider my promise to never say no. I’m just going to get up and stop. I don’t want to play any more. I want to hide. But then I feel his cock against my pubic bone. Its warm and hard and I want it. I can’t help myself. I start to wriggle trying to get him in me, forgetting the resolve of seconds before. He uses his hips to press mine against the bed, pressing his cock between us; his belly against mine, his chest pressing me down and his mouth plundering mine.

Perhaps seduction would work where aggression hadn’t. I wrap my arms and legs around him and begin rocking against him, kissing him back with as much lust as I have in me. Finally he comes up for air. That glint still in his eyes, but the lust taking over. Feeling a bit of triumph that this isn’t as easy as he’s led me to believe, I run my hands seductively down his ribs, grazing him with my nails and try to kiss him again.

He steers clear of my mouth and sinks his teeth into my earlobe firmly, pinching my nipple hard, sliding just an inch into my pussy. That is worse than not having him in me at all. And he damn well knows it. “Give it to me!” I growled out the command.

He pulls out. I start to cuss my extreme displeasure, and feel him flip me over again. A sharp, harsh spank shakes my hips. I gasp at the sting of it, eyes watering. “You behave.”

I receive about ten very harsh spanks. Each one must have left a hand print. They hurt! I am dripping. Frustrated. Yearning. All I care about is being fucked. I can hear a little voice in my head telling me to behave, but I just…can’t. I need what I need and he’s teasing me. I can’t stand it. I want to run away, but he keeps arousing me so, I feel compelled to keep trying to get him inside me. I can feel tears running across my cheeks.

Rising up my body, he bites my other shoulder and holds it in his teeth again, shoving his cock in me a couple inches, pulling out and rubbing the wet on my butt. “Beg for it…”

I shouted at him. I couldn’t not. “Please give me your cock!” Nothing submissive about that whatsoever, but I was wild…beyond caring about protocol. He pulled back off me and spanked me some more, not speaking. Softer this time, more pleasurable, but spanking hard nevertheless. I lift my ass into it. It was satisfying to feel the pain of it. It took the edge off my anger and frustration. In a somewhat softer voice, “Will you give me your cock?”

I feel him rise up over me again, sliding in me just a little bit, thrusting shallow a few times and then leaning back, pulling out. I could have shrieked like a banshee! Before I can open my mouth, I feel a slap of many falls from a flogger. He flogs me until my whole back feels intensely hot. Teasing me now and then with the tip of his cock against my juicy pussy, he keeps me focused and not so trancy, until he’s done.

“Roll over” I do eagerly, hoping I could get him inside me finally. I didn’t. He started in on oral sex. It was wonderful…maddening. I needed to be filled up, rode hard.

My back felt hot and stingy against the bed.

I was soon riding his mouth though…softening more with each moment of orgasm. Every so often, he’d raise his head and give me a sharp smack on my clit or nipple. Then he’d go back to his torment of my clit. I could feel the clutches of the frustration leaving me…even as the yearning for his cock possessed me further. The defiant pride about not begging was rapidly starting to not matter. If it got me what I wanted, did it matter that he’d been teasing me to get me to beg him? Did it matter that he knew I didn’t like begging and teased me anyway?

I could feel more and more of the tension leaving my body…Ever so softly, “Please…I need something inside.” I felt his mouth shift out of the way and his fingers slide under his chin, filling me with thick digits, rubbing, exploring. Orgasms exploded through me. I wriggled and rode his mouth and hand…softening yet again.

He was relentless…Even though I’d begun to beg, It wasn’t enough. He wanted more. He made me cum awhile and then crawled up my body, cock poised at the entrance of my sopping wet pussy. He filled my mouth with the taste of me. I sucked my juices off his tongue and gripped his hips with my legs, trying to pull him toward me.

“Beg me for it. What do you want…?” He pinched my nipple hard.

I gasped, “Please…”

I got an inch in reward. A whine burst from me and I tried to buck and wriggle lower under him to get more in me, but he lay on me again, preventing it. “More. Beg more. Let me hear it….what do you want?”

I didn’t want to beg. It feels…too vulnerable. It feels like I’m begging for love. Some of that emotion must have showed in my eyes…”You want me badly…I need to hear you say it. I need you to express aloud how much you want me. I want to see you submit to me…plead for what you want from me….do it…”

Something in his voice, broke down the rest of my resistance. I melted…”Please, fuck me. i need you…please…please give me what I need.”

I felt him slide just shy of my sweet spot. When the extraordinary pleasure of feeling him plow into my yearning juiciness passed, I realized that he was still teasing me. Frustration welled up in me again…I wanted to hit him. I’d finally submitted something he wanted from me…something that I felt truly…but didn’t feel ready to share. He’d demanded it on his time table, despite my desire that it be given in mine. It made me angry. I tried to push away…and then I heard his soft voice again, “Tell me again about how much you want me. I need to hear it…”

He was asking…not demanding. He withheld the full satisfaction of his cock, but with a request, not a demand. Emotionally, I felt myself open. I felt what was behind that stated need…the need to know how desirable he is as a man. The need for me to submit to him. The need to subdue me…and to extract from me something I’d never given when I didn’t want to…and I hadn’t started out wanting to tonight. But I do want to now. And that’s really what melted me…that he needed me to mean those pleading words from deep down inside; not just parrot them. He wanted me to let go pride with him…be willing to express lust for him freely aloud.

A simple sweet desire. And a determined seduction of my will to his. It turned me on suddenly and intensely. I felt a rush of heat fill my belly all the way to my throat; a rush of desire for him, for his dominance, for his heart. This mingled with the desire for his cock. I wanted to connect with him…not just get his cock to fill me. I heard my own voice begin pleading…”Please fuck me. Please pound my cunt…Give it to me. Please…Fill me up. Please! Make me cum please. Please!” There was no more aggression in my voice. No more reluctance. Just begging him to do something to please me. My soft, submissive voice filled the room, not stopping…not even when he pulled back and then rammed himself home in me….time after time. I didn’t stop…though the words left me mostly, as the orgasms took me. “Please…” was all that would come out of me for the most part, but he was pleased that once I started, I gave without stint. If he stopped ‘more’ would be added to please. If he fucked me softly, ‘harder’ would be added. If he fucked me shallow, I’d plead for ‘deeper’. He was smiling at me. Sometimes chuckling…but I bucked on him for all I was worth, milking him with my orgasms, giving him a steady symphony of moans, panting and pleading.

“Please…”

The word filled my dreams that night…along with the memory of his seduction in pursuit of that word.

Images by dkeithfuron

Ceeci and I recently discussed how spanking writers just seem to know some elemental facets of spanking. When writing about it, they just name the rudimentary thing without really explaining the terms and how to accomplish them. The one we were talking about is the ‘warm up’. I happen to know what that means, but she didn’t and it seemed to me that she and her new beau, who are experimenting and exploring, maybe didn’t know how to do a warm up. I, feeling a bit unsure if it was welcome, nevertheless explained in a comment on her private blog…and then we decided that for the sake of clarity, there ought to be a spanko post somewhere that explained this. So dawns the first post in a new spanking category here at Green Rootsdown. I know. Amazing. I write about spanking and kinky stuff week after week, but I didn’t have a spanking category until nearly the blog’s first anniversary. Something wrong about that. But its fixed now. *chuckles*

So for those newbies out there…here’s the deal on warm up for spanking:

A warm up for a spanking is done by picking a hand size territory on each cheek- or, if you are mean, only one cheek. *winks* You do this for only a hand size territory because if you make a huge surface for spanking, you will not warm up the skin properly. The purpose in warming the skin is to get blood flowing very freely into the spanking area. The increased blood flow will prevent and reduce bruising. Strangely enough, it also seems to effect the body’s pain tolerance, actually increasing it.

Spanking the spine or the bundle of nerves on the area where the pelvis attaches to the spine can cause permanent nerve damage! Spank only fleshy areas on the body.

Spank gently, but firmly within the territory until the skin turns pink and continue after this for a bit longer until the skin also heats up significantly. Now you can begin to add some smarts to the smacks. Add oomph to the strokes of the spanking gradually until you find the bottom’s threshold for pain or until you see the skin turning a dark pink. These are signs the limits have been reached when you are on the cusp or have just crossed the line when bruising will happen.

You can expand the spanking territory when the skin is warmed up enough to pink up beyond the territory originally chosen. Just shift over the slaps into the expanding reddened area, but not beyond it; remembering that this skin is not fully warmed up. Lighten the strokes at first before resuming your oomph level. *grins* (like that word oomph? lol) This will allow you to extend the length of the spanking, because you aren’t striking precisely the same areas again and again.

The reason to avoid bruising is to enable multiple sessions of spanking in one day or in a series of days and to slowly discover the bottom’s limits without causing any injury nor needing to limit play while the bottom heals.

It is dangerous to spank bruised flesh as you can tear the skin. Also deepening bruising on already injured tissue can cause temporary or permanent nerve damage.

If bruising happens, as many bloggers have recently agreed, you can use arnica gel/cream on the area as an after care measure. This can be found in natural food grocers or in the organics sections of the supermarket where organic medications are sold. You may find, like many do, that its erotic and intimate for the top to rub this cream in at the end of a spanking before moving on to other fun. You will also find that the skin toughens with time and will not bruise so easily. It does not become calloused, just more resilient to the effects of spanking on the skin.

Tops are better off learning to control bruising by using only their hands for spanking with a new bottom or when just learning the pleasures and skills of spanking. You can tell a whole lot more about what the skin is doing with your hand than with a spanking toy.

The key to remember when it comes to spanking is slapping = no/reduced bruising and jabbing = definite/increased risk for bruising.

Certain types of toys require more skill to avoid bruising with. The most challenging of these is a cane. If a cane is not struck just right, it causes a jab injury to the skin. If it is used at the proper angle, it will slap the skin, but in a thin stripe, still allowing you to avoid bruising if you choose. The more flexible the cane is, the more careful you have to be to avoid bruising as whippy canes bend around the curve of the flesh and snap a jabby kind of strike with the end of the cane. If you are just learning to use a cane, be very gingerly about using it (don’t you just love all my made up words?). I recommend you get stiffer canes to start with while you learn to control bruising; then experiment with whippier canes.

The next hardest to avoid bruising with is a belt or a slapper paddle that’s really a folded over belt with a handle. If you don’t land slaps on the flat part of the belt, you will cause bruising with the edges or with the end of the strap on the belt…especially if it whips around the curve of the cheek when it strikes.

Also you’ll find crops, can cause bruising easily because of the smallish surface area that slaps the skin. It can easily jab the skin with the rod that’s holding the leather end; and it can do that whether its a small square of leather or a miniature belt like strip of leather. The spanking surface on a crop is very small. Usually a recipe for a very stingy spanking, so its frequently a favorite for bottoms.

I think the next paddle on the list of bruisers is a wooden one, especially a wooden paddle with very square edges. If you like wooden paddles and want to avoid bruising with them, always use ones with very rounded edges, so that there’s no jab injury when striking with it.

These rigid paddles put lots of sting into a spanking, but they can also cause alot of thud. The impact of the solidity of a spanking implement on the body is what we spankos call a thud sensation. Thud is fun…but it can also misalign joints…and the spine is a long series of joints. You can knock the pelvic bones out of alignment with the spine, causing sciatica down the legs if you aren’t careful with wooden paddles, especially big heavy ones that are cutting board style. Also using your whole arm to add oomph to the spanking will cause the same thuddy effect even if you are only using your hand to give the spanking. If you want to give a thuddy spanking or the bottom likes them, make sure that the bottom has complete support for their whole body; especially the front of the pelvis. Something very firm, not plushy, as plushy supports will allow the joints to flex and move in response to the strikes. Note that if you put a person over the edge of a kitchen table for example to give a thuddy spanking, you are just as likely to cause bruising on the pelvic area that faces the edge of the dining table as you are the bottom. So think what’s happening to the bottom’s whole body, not just the parts you are pinking up.

You’ll find that having your bottom on a solid surface for a thuddy spanking will send more of the vibration of the thud up your arm, so you’ll know exactly how hard you are spanking; which reduces the risk of over doing it and causing injury. Listen carefully when giving a thuddy spanking. If you hear any snapping of joints, you need to stop as you’ve misaligned something. It is very important to understand that the nerves are afire with information…so much so that the pain signals in the brain are confused with pleasure. Your bottom may very well have no sense of pain from misaligning a joint during or for even hours after a thuddy spanking. Do not take their word for it about having no pain. If you hear a joint snapping, stop. Have the bottom do some gentle stretching and rub the area with arnica gel. If things are in good shape in the bottom’s body over all, a good night’s sleep will usually restore the alignment. Frequently, a misaligned joint won’t make itself known for a day or two…usually it shows up when a normal activity results in an injury which happens because a tendon is being pulled a bit over the joint. It is not so flexible, so when doing something routine, an injury occurs. Be careful.

The spanking implement that is closest to the action a hand makes on the body is a leather paddle. These are wonderful for giving a long stingy spanking without wearing out a top’s hand. If you get a paddle that is really well made, it will have rounded edges and therefore there will be nothing to cause a jab style strike. You can spank with a leather paddle nearly as long as with your hand without causing bruising and in some instances much longer because there’s less direct weight behind the paddle’s striking area than there is with the hand…in other words less thud. If your bottom bruises more from a thuddy spanking than from a stingy one, then you’ll find this useful to know.

Every bottom has their favorite spanking sensations. Every bottom has a line when bruising happens no matter how carefully the warm up was executed…A skillful spanking is finding the line between injury and delight…and knowing when is a good time to allow a little bit of bruising in exchange for a very short recovery period and a very memorable moment. Only practice and knowing your bottom is going to earn you skill.

One more important bit to know… The skin very rapidly cools. By the time you go get your paddle of choice the skin will have cooled enough to allow easy bruising when the spanking is resumed, so settle in for the spanking with all the stuff you want handy and just keep going once the warm up is completed. For some bottoms, like me, even 20 seconds pause is enough to cool the skin a good deal, so that I’ll be more sensitive to pain levels and to bruising. I can tolerate a very intense, very hard spanking if I am warmed up  well and the intensity of oomph is added steadily and gradually. If its done skillfully enough, I can take several such spankings in one day and not even be sitting sensitive. You can really get out some frustrations on my skin and not leave a mark on me if the warm up is done properly and I can take a very long spanking if its done right too. But if you fiddle around at all, I’ll need to stop frustratingly early…there will be only one spanking, maybe two if spaced most of the day apart…OR you’ll have to warm the skin up briefly again before resuming.

There’s lots more to know about the skill of spanking that extends the kinds of details I’ve just shared about myself…such as what sorts of signals do I have when I’m feeling the burn to call a halt with my safe signal…? Or is there a mood that usual attends certain needs/preferences for a type of spanking? These and other important details all go into the skill of a good spanking and hopefully the readers will add in some details and further suggestions…? Please?

And a word about ‘funtracks’…a word I made up for spanking bruises. Some bottoms find them a badge of pride…a sign of the fun had; a sign of being ‘had’ well; a sign of submission to a special someone. Other bottoms would be offended at being left bruised up and will consider this a sign of lack of skill on the part of the top. Indeed it does take skill to administer a very hard spanking without leaving a bruise…unless the bottom is someone who bruises with the lightest of strikes. No amount skill is gonna avoid bruising with a person with such fragile skin; all you can do is apply your skills to reduce it.

And I would recommend that tops learn Reiki. This is a hands on healing method that I can testify reduces, and usually eliminates bruising. Its very easy to learn. A one day workshop from a local Reiki Master Healer will net you the skill and its even easier to do than to explain. And it really does work. There are hospitals in NH and in other areas of the country who will not give surgery without preoperative and postoperative Reiki treatments because it reduces infection, bleeding and swelling and speeds healing so significantly. It literally reduces hospital stays…so you can rely on it as an after care treatment if you are willing to learn it.

Anything to add folks? Toss it in if you’ve got thoughts…This is supposed to be an archival post we can all refer to, so the more the merrier.

FMI about Reiki:

Wiki

What is Reiki

Reiki FAQs

…Push the curtain aside. Peek out and…

Hello Shannee’s Readers…. I’m CeeCi!

There, got that done. Now I can start writing. Likely, everyone has heard it’s only scary the first time. This isn’t my first time writing, it’s just the first time posting here. I have some mighty high heels to fill while Ms. Shannee is dancing. She’s left me the keys to her online home. I think the first thing I’ll do after she’s left is find her stash of chocolate.

Shannee and I go back a long way (in blog years). I first met her when she posted a comment on my site and before long a nice friendship blossomed. We seem to possess many of the same beliefs and ideals. I recognized, and still do, that Shannee is much further along in her journey than I am. In many ways, she has been a mentor to me. She causes me to pause, think, process and explore a new truth/idea as I go along my path. It’s comforting to encounter her footprints on the trail as she dances ahead of me.

We all have a story and I’d like to share a bit of mine. A few of you already know me *Hi, Paul.!* *Hello, Theresa!* Can you believe Shannee’s leaving me alone here to watch the place? Some of you know of me from comments I leave here and there.

For most of my life I’ve been a dabbler. Constantly busy and entirely too curious for my own good, I find my greatest joy comes from creating. My fingers are nimble and my eyes see my surroundings in detail. I’m a photographer. As I make my way through the day I’m mentally framing shots, watching the light and focusing on the unusual things in my environment rather than the bigger picture. It’s how I view the world. In many ways, photography has caused me to view myself differently because my focus has changed over the past few years.

I’ve noticed that viewing the bigger picture places me in that picture. It causes me to move through the world disengaged from myself, focused on the roles and motions expected of me as a person in the world. Stepping back from that, finding the beauty in the small details, brings me into the world which lies within. It stops the noise and chatter surrounding and filling me. I’m focused on the moment, the potential I’m seeing and the beauty I can capture. It’s in that place, the moment, I find peace and freedom. I don’t have to ask permission, I just am.

My journey as a sexual submissive has been much the same. I’ve learned that the expectations of the world are easier to navigate since I have embraced the truth of who I am. When I’m engaged with my submission, I’m focused on the moment. There, I find peace and freedom. I can share this part of myself like I can share my photographs.

So, that was some of the deep-ish stuff. Now, for the fun stuff.

As much as I dislike labels, I’m going to have to hang a few on myself in order to offer a clearer picture of who CeeCi is. You already know that I’m a photographer and a sexual submissive. I’m also a geek (who just had to pull the batteries out of her favorite vibrator to keep her wireless mouse working). I adore gadgets and all things computer. I may not be able to create a computer network, but I can design, code and write websites and templates. I create the graphics and the entire look of a page with PhotoShop Elements. I’ve wondered what would happen if I had CS3 in my bag of tricks. Everything I know about computers and coding I’ve taught myself. It’s the same with photography and PhotoShop. I actually designed two of Shannee’s first Blogspot templates.

I’m a former entrepreneur, no scratch that, I’m an entrepreneur who recently closed her retail business after 13 years. That spirit still lives in me. I just haven’t found the next thing. I can feel it teasing at the edges and I know, one day soon, the passion will burst upon me again and I’ll be pursuing something new.

I’m an artist, a writer, a dreamer, an entrepreneur, and a chef. I’m a convertible driving, domestic diva, a social butterfly, computer nerd, and um, a sexual deviant (but only on Thursdays).

There is a new playmate in my life right now. I hesitate to use the word ‘relationship’ because Jim and I have agreed that ours is a friendship with great benefits. We’ve known one another for nearly four years. Most of that time was spent as business neighbors. We’ve respected each other and found many shared interests. Recently, we took our friendship to the next level. Because I trust him, I let him in on my ’secrets.’ To our delight, he accepted them, embraced them and has enthusiastically opened the door on a part of himself he’d locked away. Jim is determined to earn his merit badges in both bondage and spanking. Our adventures, missteps and discoveries will definitely be the stuff of posts.

I’ve been blogging for nearly three years and hanging out in my own private garden for the past year. I’m excited about being a part of the bigger blogging community again. Thank you Shannee, for this wonderful opportunity. I promise, I’ll keep my fingers off your template and not mess with any of your widgets. After all, this is your home and I’m just house sitting.

Hello, everyone! I’m CeeCi (and yes, those are my feet). I’m excited to be meeting you!

I guess that about says it al about my back and my kidneys… After four days in bed, I hope you’ll forgive me if I really don’t want to devote any more thought to hurting…

Got a spanking post lined up for tomorrow. A special request from Ceeci. Its on the topic of explaining what a warm up is. Those of you who are experienced tops and bottoms, please come by tomorrow and add comments about best spanking positions and other tips to flesh out my thoughts…Or pink them up as the case may be. *winks*

I had too much time to think while laying abed for four days. My horny mind only had Harry Potter to think about because my recliner and office chairs were just torture chambers until about 3am last night when insomnia kept me up for awhile and I answered comments from the past few days.

I think long thoughts when I’m sick. I get an idea in my head and explore it from all sorts of angles. One of the long thoughts I had was about rutting. Yup. I’ve been in the mood the past few days and could do nothing about it. I still can’t really. But I’m quite well enough for sitting in my office chair and walking around again.

I also woke once during a night to the sound of G’s voice telling me that a lady doesn’t swear…and that its a sign of intelligence to think of a word besides a four letter one to describe and otherwise request certain activities with regard to parts of his anatomy playing with mine.

I remembered my inner giggle when I was thinking in response to that; “Gee…I guess I better never get really frustrated or angry around him because I’ll burn his poor ears.”

The other night, I had another giggle at my memory and the whimsy of remembering the memory when I did.

I agree with him, despite my silliness. I have a huge vocabulary. I forget words I know there are so many words in my vocabulary. In fact, I am just thrilled when I learn a new word, because this is an infrequent event. I’m just as thrilled when I realize that I’ve forgotten the meaning of a familiar word and have to look it up to remind myself of its meaning. That’s just way cool for this wordy woman. *grins* One would think that I’d have a larger pool of commonly used words, but like most people, I just find myself not using most of my vocabulary. In part, because it is simply not important to most people to learn words. I love words and it is important to me. But if I use uncommonly used words, then I’ve got to explain my language and my point gets lost in the shuffle of that learning curve. I don’t think people are dumb and I don’t talk down to them. I have just accepted that its just not important to most other people to have a wide vocabulary and its easier to enjoy a conversation when we are all using the same language to make a point.

One of the things I really enjoy about really smart, well read men is getting to use my vocabulary on them.

One of the things I really enjoy about sex though is the point at which all intellect is shelved…does not even exist any more…when all the world is reduced to his cock and my juicy place and our driving, unwavering attention and determination to have the two meet in the most pleasurable way possible…When the drive to orgasm has taken over and there’s no concern for how animistic and feral we might appear to each other in another mood and moment…or how selfish our determination is to claim our orgasm is…how prepared we are to take that rut.

For me, it is the power of my submission if I can please him so much as to make him wild enough to forget his intellect and take me…In that moment thrusting, sheathing, coitus, intercourse, riding, rocking, plundering, sliding, and all the other more intellectual, lady-like words give way to fuck. That’s it. A cock with the driving need to fuck me. So much so that there is no intellect…only motion that carries me along…spread open…willing, yearning, writhing to be fucked.

I have also always resisted giving up full control. My mind is always working. I have lots of mental energy. I am focused. I set aside that intellect…but it still is close and it guides me. I don’t want to look feral. I don’t want to beg for it. I don’t want to loose control of my orgasm or my movements. I don’t want to stop arousing or trying to get him to fuck me like that…

But I am not fully surrendered until I stop enfolding, sucking, gripping, rocking, sheathing…and all the other sweet little lady like pussy action words…To me the word womb, woman and holy are all one entity. Women’s bodies are innately wise and are holy vessels. Our orgasms are the same as life. Our pleasureable juices are the same as life giving rain. To seek that juiciness is to seek bliss. It is my power to dispense this…to do so with full consciousness and revelry…a revelation of holiness.

But that is my spiritual intellectual control. My power as a woman. If I am still in possession of it, I’ve not fully surrendered. It is not until I am driven sex mad enough to forget all that and become the bestial feral female arching her cunt for plundering…meeting that fucking for all I’m worth…nothing between me and my own orgasm such that if I could I would pound it out of you.

I am a lady…I have the vocabulary…I am a submissive…I want to please…but if I’m still in control of myself…still lady like….then I’ve not fully surrendered.

So really, when I say ‘I need to rut’…I hope you’ll realize that what I really mean is ‘play me like an instrument until I become the cunt that you can fuck to our heart’s content’.

And let me finish that thought…

Even as the ladylike pussy becomes the driven cunt, I am still all holy, powerful woman. It is just as holy to express the cunt nature as it is to express the lady nature…for me, the elegant giving of pleasure is the same coin as the untamed cunny giving a rut…they both shine.

In truth, men want both from a woman. Always.

They are fascinated by the complexity of both existing in one woman…in being able to look at the elegant lady on his arm…composed, in full use of her vocabulary…and privately see in her that sweating, grimacing, cussing cunt that was writhing under him taking his pounding bestial fucking for all she’s worth…

A small smile claims a man then. A light comes into his eyes.

I love to see that…It makes me blush, even as it heats me up…because what I want more than anything is to be brought to a boiling rut in my man’s arms. Yeah…that’s what I need. Right now.

Thank you all who left supportive comments here the past few days…and to those who sent support silently. Thank you. Its been a challenging couple days for me. I should back up though.

The ceremony was lovely. It was just what we all needed to cope with this loss and it was a good healing experience for me. I am deeply grateful that I have this way to pray, express my emotions and heal. It is a powerful way. It is a strengthening way. What a blessing I have in my life!

On the other hand, I am forced to be flat on my back most of the time the last two days. At first I thought I was having another kidney stone attack. I was starting to, but that seems to be completely a healing crisis, not an attack. I had no signs of the other ukky things that go with a kidney stone attack…no signs of infection in other words. It was one of those instances where my body was doing a rerun of behavior it has when it is sick and I’m very optimistic its a last gasp before another long period of wellness for me.

However, for some reason the lodge had some boughs of pine on the floor under the blankets we sit on. I haven’t been to the lodge space, so I don’t know why they were in there. Must have been a good reason, or they wouldn’t have been. Perhaps with the wet weather, they helped with the scent of the wet blanket…? (phew!) When I was crawling in, I had a drum and a towel in my left hand and my weight on my right hand and left knee, when my right knee came down directly on a particularly wide branch and it hurt the knee joint so badly, I shifted very rapidly off it…and over balanced for my right hand to catch me or my left knee to either, so I pulled muscles apparently. I didn’t even remember I did it until this morning, when I was still in too much pain to roll out of bed. My back didn’t hurt in that moment, beyond the ache of my kidneys which were threatening an attack a bit on Saturday…so I didn’t realize I’d injured muscles then.

Even when my kidneys hurt so bad in the night Sunday night, it hurt in the muscles of my lower back much more and as the swelling in my kidneys receded, they took the pressure off the nerves in my lower back and I hurt much worse than when my kidneys hurt. ARgh!

So…as soon as I hit publish, I’m back in bed on the heating pad. I’ve done my early morning round of arnica, peeing, drinking, napping the arnica off and moving as much as I can before the muscles get so weak they threaten to drop me on the floor-which they’ve done numerous times the past few days. I made lots of headway with this last round of resting…and sitting in this chair much longer is going to undo it all.

Bottom line is it will be another day or two before I’ve got a post in me that’s of spanko interest…Perhaps Ceeci will get over her stage fright a bit and write something fun. She’s often far better at expressing an idea than I am…so give her some encouragement folks. *winks and smiles* I know you’ll enjoy her during my ceremonial hiatus…and perhaps sooner if she’s got time.

Okay…I’m off the chair. Happy Tuesday!

A friend’s daughter was killed instantly in an accident yesterday. We are going to be spending the afternoon and evening holding a sweat ceremony for our family. Burying anyone you love is never easy…but my imagination just cannot concieve of burying my child. *sighs…*

I am deeply grateful that I can lend my comfort and healing prayers today and that my heart is gladdened with stories today from my son of climbing a mountain yesterday with a statue of Buddha on top. I am the fortunate mother today…There is strength given to me because of that…and so I can lend this poor wounded heart my strength today. May she feel that comfort and peace…

On a much lighter, sweeter note, I am really pleased to share that Ceeci, a fellow blogger who hasn’t been writing publicly in about a year now will be moderating here while I attend my summer ceremony. She’ll also be publishing her writing here on lots of topics; tantra, erotica and anything else that makes her happy, including her original photography. She’s got free rein here starting now, so I hope you’ll all welcome her..and I’m very sure that you’ll really enjoy her writing very much.

I will be off line until Tuesday sometime, dealing with this ceremony today and with some preparations for my July ceremony. Normally, Sunday is a day that I enjoy writing blog posts…I usually have four or five posts lined up to publish automatically for the week by Sunday night. Alas, I don’t have time because of this situation with the sweat today. Perhaps, if she’s in the mood and has a creative bug, Ceeci will regale you with something fun to read the next couple days; if now, I know you’ll have fun reading at the many other very cool blogs out there, some of which are linked here on the links page. In the mean time, blessings and may you have pink cheeks or a pink hand. *grins*

Needy…yup. My mood has been steadily getting more and more emotional as the days have gone by the past two weeks. I’ve just been feeling steadily more and more needy. I’ve been putting a good face on things for the most part, but it has been getting to me.

My husband decided to give me an attitude adjustment.

“I’m going to take a shower and then you are coming up stairs with me for some oral sex.”

I thought he meant me to give him some oral sex. I just sighed and figured that maybe I would find a toy later and try not to be grouchy because my back was hurting from overdoing it with the house work for my friend this week as alot of furniture needed moving in order to do the tasks that were needed. The humidity has been making my blood pressure feel high. And I was feeling needy….to the point of feeling weepy. And my mood did not improve any when I realized that it will be at least another week until I can see GD…and possibly not until after my ceremony if the timing does work out, which adds up to another month. *sighs…* I was not in a good mood, but I wanted some connection with my husband even if it didn’t end up being much of what I need, so I let him push me up the stairs.

I’m glad I did. I got a nice back rub for my sore back which helped alot.

The oral sex that I got also seemed to put a misaligned joint back in my hip and lower back. Yay and besides that I had fun! Yup. He’d decided that I needed some pampering and he gave me a long lovely session of oral sex, broken by a spanking with several of our toys before I got some more oral sex. He’s very good at oral sex for me. *happy sighs…*

The spanking was very stingy…I liked it! He’s got a paddle he made with two x one wide pine board that he partially ripped to clear out a slice of the board four times to leave four whippy strips for a paddle. They snap together loudly and let him feel like he’s getting to beat the crap out of me when he’s not. Its one of those subliminal things he does to arouse himself about getting to play harder than he is actually. He also got out our bath brush, which he likes to use as for sensation play as well as spanking. It feels good when the brush is rubbed all over lightly. I like that. He got a nylon spoon he’s bought himself and that was a stingy part of the spanking. He made this other toy too. Its six very thin whippy dowels that you can get at a hardware store, wrapped with leather to hold them together and make a handle. They make a loud sound and get sharply stingy with a little bit of force, but they sound loud with a gentle spank too. Another of his fun toys for fooling himself into thinking he’s whacking me hard. And he warmed me up with his hand.

We had a nice bout of intercourse and some masturbation games and I got a bit of a fix of his energy when he orgasmed, which is really what I needed above all…and I had some tearful emotional release which I really needed and lots of cuddling. *sighs with relief…* Feeling better now. I needed that. My butt is feeling just ever so slightly sensitive as I write this Friday night and I’ve got a promise for another session tomorrow (Saturaday). Gee that would be nice…

I was rapidly approaching the stage where I’d got so needy that I was going to get seriously grouchy and antagonistic about getting laid just so. I hope I can skip that issue this month. That would be ever so nice. I hate that. It leads to feeling I want to slap a man for not fucking me long enough. *rolls eyes* I don’t get like that all the time…just when hormones and neediness combine in a really nasty way…and when I get something funny happening with my energy that it tickles me incessantly on the first chakra. It drives me batty when that happens…only thing that satisfies that itch is intercourse…and I can’t seem to get enough of it when that happens.

A good night’s sleep and some more sex tomorrow will hopefully avoid that whole mess. Yup. It certainly will if today’s session is anything to go by. Speaking of which…I want a snuggle and you, my dear reader aren’t gonna give me one…so I’m off to hunt down my husband who disappeared somewhere else in the house. Have a happy Saturday!

Oh! And one more thing to mention…He’s decided that I need to feel better about myself…that he’s somehow made me feel less attractive to him than I am and he’s on a campaign to rearrange that thinking. He’s started insisting that I answer with “I am” every time he gives me a compliment…and he’s started being incessant about the compliments too. *rolls eyes affectionately* When he gets something like this in his head he’s relentless. LOL! He decided about ten years ago that I needed to get over freaking out over being asked for a blow job…it turned into this huge joke that he still goes on about now.

Images here and here.