I have done a great deal of writing in the past couple days. A few erotic stories, and I scheduled a bunch of older erotic works too. With one it was fun to learn some of the code needed for making a post have multiple pages here on WordPress, so I hope you’ll enjoy that when you see it. Also I had occasion to look back through my archives of late. I ended up with a bunch of posts that were sort of addendums to former writing. I hope you’ll enjoy the revisits while I’m gone.
This post on the other hand is more a collection. I’ve got no purpose to the collection. Its more a matter of liking the feel of them…and feeling the sense of interest they gave me in a topic…that I might want to write more on the subject, but didn’t currently have anything to say really. They just feel full of heat in some way to me…so I collected them into tabs in order to look them over. They are all from the Sexuality and Tantra categories. And now I’m just sharing them with you. I hope you’ll enjoy:
Ah…and now that I’ve completed the work of linking all these old posts here, I see what it is that is on my mind…Its a need for Tantra, for intensity, for the holy between myself and Another…Its a wistfulness for connection and nourishment that comes from Another.
This collection expresses some grief and yearning…places I’ve stumbled and found my strength. It is not a statement at all about feeling a lack. I’ve got alot of beauty and nourishment in my life right now. I’m heading into some deep nourishing time. This…the live gathered up into these posts…this is where I’ve been the past few years…and yes. There’s things that I’m carrying forward of the wisdom I learned and recorded here. There’s no doubt there’s a great deal of that strength viewable here in these posts…and there’s clues to me and anyone interested enough to be watching me as to what’s next in my life.
I am back again in this moment to the bottom line stuff about relationships with men for me.
Cuffs that engulf my wrists train me to his bed. I’m on my belly and his teeth grasp the muscle of my back pulling it up away from bone. It hurts…It hurts in ways that make me cum harsh and instantly. It hurts…almost to the point that its agony. I’ll have bruises. And I don’t care even the tiniest bit.
His hips thrust at me, shoving a wave of energy up my center. My orgasmic muling changes to a deep throaty grunt of intense arousal. My eyes narrow and my body tenses as I arch my hips, wanting him actually inside me. I feel his fingers twirl in my hair and pin my head to the bed, whispering…orgasms over his words roll all through me and I feel his smile in satisfaction on my cheek…
He’s gone suddenly. I feel the bed released of his weight. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m blinded by black…but I likely would be blinded anyway by my touseled hair. I’m totally disheveled…covered in cum….mine…His.
My mind wanders, thinking about his thick fingers in me…how he plays with my clit and this never seems to let energy build in me until I’m nuts for intercourse…I get just his sense of enough of that…and oddly enough, it actually is enough. I feel sated by him. An oddity, since no one else has succeeded doing that to me.
I wonder to myself if it would be the same if I truly opened to him emotionally…would I get more insatiable if I was seemingly emptier in the moments between us…or would I feel more sated because of an answering energy to fill me? I let the half formed thoughts drift around me without investment in answers…just let the curiosity give my mind something to do…
And am started totally out of my bemusing to the sharpness of a flogger on my flesh, swung with power behind it. No warm up. I’ve no idea how long, but I’m writhing on the bed in painful pleasure long before he’s done, panting and enjoying every second of it…and enjoying that he let me suffer a bit before quitting.
When he’s done, he tosses the flogger down and shoves my legs apart with his knees, putting his fingers into my moistness until he’s got me writhing over something totally different…
Awhile later, he lays on me, whispering in my ear again, head captured, cupping my face loosely, “Kiss my hand.” The scent of my own juices fill my nostrils…When I do as he says, he presses his juicy hand gently against my face, covering my nose and mouth briefly, whispering things that make me cum as he does…kissing me, biting me…pulling his hand back when I begin to wriggle in discomfort, wanting air. I gasp and feel his mouth against my ear, tongue and breath in my ear…reassuring me, praising me, “Good girl…”
I feel him roll me on my side suddenly, arms curving around me, tasting my mouth, heavy hand spanking me harshly for a long while. Longer than he’s ever done…until there’s heat in my skin and I’m wriggling in pain…and I just melt into him, smiling…and as I do, he slides the blindfold off me and his face fills my vision for a moment as he smiles at me, holding my gaze deeply for a long moment, hand buried in my hair holding it captive…I smile back in a dazed manner….before he relaxes away from my body and I’m suddenly starkly aware that the room includes people that weren’t there when he put me on the bed…my breath catches sharply and I try to turn into him to hide my face as I feel my whole body redden. He holds me captive, so I can’t hide, commanding that I look at them, whispering erotic directions to me again as they look on…
“Do you think that subs confuse submission with love? Is it possible to need to submit because love is there? Is it possible to love someone because they submit?
Do you think Doms confuse Dominance with love? Is it possible to need to be dominant because love is there? Is it possible to love someone because you control them?”
Here’s another post that Alice wrote too if you are interested. She’s got some good thoughts on the topic. By the way, if you’ve got some writing on this discussion topic, I’d love it if you linked it here in comments, so that a reader can contemplate many opinions about it.
I’m bringing up this topic because its run through my mind again recently. I’ve got more thoughts to share regarding this since my thinking and emotional experience has developed…
First let me say that I feel that this D/s roles thing is meaningless when it boils down to the bottom line of a relationship.
Love. That’s what things boil down to; love and sharing your time or life together. Love, even a lighter kind that’s a fondness for a friend or a concern/compassion for another human being…? These are a reason to offer your yielding or your direction to another human being. So…the mechanics of all this is just so much monkey mindedness really.
When it boils down to things, submission and domination are a business of the mind that I can see myself not needing any more as a concept at some time in my not too distant future.
That does not mean that I will stop needing a man to create submissive feelings in me with his actions or that I will stop needing to create them in a man with my actions. It just means that I don’t need to invest all sorts of attachment to calling myself a switch or a dominant or a submissive, nor an investment in what others think or feel about it. It will just be how I share love in this moment…but maybe I have other priorities in the next.
That said, I’ve learned something about myself recently. Until this final change in my marriage and the loss of a close friendship in which a certain power exchange was a part of the dynamic between us, I needed a deep loving connection to feel submission for someone…
This was not so when I felt dominance. I could and have given my dominance to countless people without a loving connection. I can count many years of meditation students, peer counseling, raising children, raising men, training animals from the age of 10 on, even within my friendships since I was a very young girl, I’ve always been the one people turned to for advice and direction. I need only feel empathy for them and feel concern for their well being to feel moved to offer some level of dominance to them.
I am careful about the depth of what I share however, because I do feel that if you offer mentoring/dominance/guidance, then you are responsible to see things through to a good place with that person. I never really asked myself why it is I could have such an internal boundary about things as a dominant, but these internal boundaries were missing with my submissive experiences. I would generally get all picket fences about things easily and quickly, even if I hid it from the man I submitted to. Not always…but frequently.
I have learned recently that if I feel a certain kind of bond that’s a combination of empathy, soulful exchange, and intellectual admiration, I’m able to offer my submissiveness without getting all picket fence about things emotionally.
Does it still tug at those desires for a deeper connection? Yes. It does. There’s a deep spot inside me that wants/needs a certain kind of connection. It is sated deeply by my pursuit of ceremony and meditation, but there is still an element of deep yearning for a human connection in that desire for submissive connection and that it be a reliable daily one.
I can feel a desire to curl up in a man I’m feeling submission for. And I don’t think that’s a bad desire..I think its totally natural to want to curl into someone. I think its natural for a person to want to curl into someone who’s touching them deeply. That’s not a D/s thing. That’s a human connection thing. Its when the future enters into my thoughts that it can be out of pace with anything else going on in the D/s between myself and Another, or just plain inappropriate.
Loss has hardened some things inside me. I’m not so pliable or so impulsive with my heart. And these aren’t bad changes. Its slowing me down emotionally. Its created some healthy caution. And I absolutely am not going to pursue anyone based on spiritual messages any more. I’ll give them a fair chance to be a part of my life…but I’m just going to wait and see with these connections in future.
And in case you are curious. Yes, there’s men in my life about whom I’ve had spiritual insights regarding the future. Either they will manifest or they will not. I’m not giving it my intense attention.
The other new thoughts which I wanted to share is that I feel its an act of deep compassion to share D/s with someone because we are meeting each other’s needs. These are deep needs inside us. We share our vulnerabilities and bare our foibles and quirks and differently shaped desires with each other. It is just as painful to a dominant to have his or her dominance rejected or abused as it is for a submissive to experience such a loss. When we play this way, we are playing in the fault lines of our personalities and emotions. We’re playing in places that can crack and shatter each other. It takes a great deal of compassion and responsibility to share that in a healthy way.
It only makes sense that its easy to wrap that up in a package we call ‘love’ when we talk about it…but there is indeed a difference between compassion and love. The difference for me is the depth and also the expectations involved. Compassion is something that I feel without any attachment to outcomes. It doesn’t influence my ability to respond. I may just as easily walk away and leave someone to sit in their mess as to help them pick themselves up and brush themselves off. Compassion leads me to take a person’s measure and then assess what’s the best response given what I know. I act from there with as much kindness as possible.
Love on the other hand, wraps up mutual needs and agreements into the emotions. Love is deep and expands into every part of my being. It is a far deeper experience of compassion. And it doesn’t change because someone doesn’t return it…Its only the expectations that cause any pain in things. I can loose those if need be…but to feel love, for me, takes me into the desire for the future.
Do I love because I feel someone’s submission to me or because I feel their dominance toward me? No. I love because its how my soul feels toward Another. My submissiveness or dominance is predicated on their unique personality and our chemistry together. One does not spur the other…but it will deepen it…and I can fall in love based on D/s between myself and Another.
Just a ramble on changes of consciousness for me…No big conclusions I don’t think…just some more clarity about some things. *smiles*
I got words tonight for something I was formerly unconsciously aware of for the past few years. At least I don’t remember having a description for this observation prior to tonight (Thursday).
Men have penetrating energy. No surprise. Everyone knows this. But I took note tonight that there’s the ‘gimmee now’ energy of a dominant. Feels like a rush of intensity that fills every opening to my center…both physically and spiritually. So erotic. I feel grabbed in some delightful way and yanked into him to a place that’s transparent and opened. It puts me in that, “Anything you want” mode in a nearly instant way. Yummy.
And then there’s the penetration that says, “Please be pleased by me…This is yours…Is that right…? Is this? Here’s more.” It too fills every part of me, but its as if it seeks particularly those places that ignite my libido to take, instead of give…To make a handle of his body somewhere so that I can force him to the exact spot I want…I want to lay back in this regal way and watch myself be serviced and orgasm until I am done.
Yummy.
*sighs…*
I ~do love men.
I’m just aching for some hardness right now.
I want to watch that hardness grow.
A fascinating experience that always captures my complete attention.
Trumped only by getting to cum on it.
Yeah…Definitely getting to be a glass wearing night.
Lots of people have rules for how to run their power exchanges. I have just one. Its not something I’ve really articulated to anyone before in quite this way before, but its a rule that swings both ways. Doesn’t matter which side of the switch I’m on in other words. The rule is:
“The Dominant shall care for and protect.”
Its a very simple translation for me about that how that applies to real life. I’m going to use the word “I” because it works best to explain this sense of things I have…because I live things seamless. If I expect a certain treatment, then I give that treatment or better. So I am putting myself in the submissive’s place even if I’m the Dominant. My submission should never leave me feeling betrayed, burned out, exhausted, infected with anything, sexually and emotionally repulsed or wounded emotionally or physically. My submission should not leave me feeling emotionally, spiritually or creatively suffocated, enraged, panicked or left wondering or guessing about intentions or directions and I should be able to impliment my own coping skills to self care without having to have constant permission to do that.
If a submissive has to take over their care and protection without any input from the Dominant in a situation that’s not an emergency or urgent in any way, then the Dominant is seriously fucking up. Simple as that.
My view is, if you want to be in charge, then be in charge. If you don’t in a certain moment, then say so, because then I can act accordingly. I live that way on either side of the flogger.
I will not submit to bs and I would never expect anyone else to.
Now on the other side of the coin, if I’m acting with integrity and good communication about the events unfolding between myself and another, and that person is feeling betrayed…? Mmmm….feels like a history moment for them to me. Another’s history moment is not my betrayal. I expect the moment to be treated that way by all concerned.
Neither person should feel burned out. I don’t want and shouldn’t have to give 24/7 attention from anyone. I need and want to give plenty of alone time and I’m willing and expect to be negotiated with about time frames/needs that vary from mine so that a balance is struck and I expect that the balance not always include me being a provider. There should be a healthy community involved in any person’s life. No one should be the sole source of socialization for anyone.
A relationship should be nourishing and restful. It should add, not subtract to anyone’s energy level. If its leaving anyone feeling burned out or exhausted, its not being directed along properly.
Sex and personal contact is a very private thing to play D/s games with. It should never be done in a way that leaves a person at risk or feeling repulsed. Sharing such intimacy is a holy experience and should always be treated as such. If it doesn’t feel holy or at least is something my partner and I both feel enthusiastic and safe about, then it shouldn’t be demanded of anyone.
If you are going to pursue a relationship with someone, then you ought to know them well enough to know where your life styles are going to clash first. For instance, if a man can’t happily support the fact that I prefer men to women and that I’m a switch who needs to express the fullness of my sexuality, then he’s not for me in the long term. Its also crucial that I be able to share tantra with my primary emotional partner. If he wants to be my primary partner, then that’s not open for negotiation. It will be a betrayal to dump me on this part of the partnership down the road because he’s grown bored with me about it. A man in my life has to get this. If he can’t embrace such things, then he’s a play buddy. Ultimately its up to the Dominant to assess this stuff and make decisions from there.
Rage and panick just should not be part of playing together. Its simply not constructive. If that stuff is going on, then its a wrong relationship or at the least a wrong situation to be in and the Dominant should have foreseen such a situation and taken measures to prevent it and with the unforeseeable, s/he’d better be doing something about it toot sweet or there will be a serious breech of trust.
No one should have to wonder what the hell is going on or what the dominant’s intentions are within the relationship. Maybe within a scene….IF! s/he knows the submissive well enough to pretty accurately predict the response. If not? Then what the hell are you doing pushing someone into a corner where in order to self care, he’s got to take action himself? If you want control, then take it and take responsibility for it. Otherwise, use words!
There should never be a moment when a healthy coping skill is taken away from a submissive who is trying to self care. Coping skills are the activities of a healthy adult and should be respected. Surely if a coping skill is unhealthy for a submissive, then a new healthy one should be taught and trained with to replace an old one…otherwise, give a person the space to self care…and expect that the person use those skills in a timely fashion or a punishment should be in order.
These are the ways I think things should be managed. Its what I mean by my simple rule: A Dominant should care for and protect…and really, this is just relationships 101, but its amazing to me how that stuff gets tossed out the window when a person gets a little bit of latitude to whatever they want with a person. Even people with high integrity often become boundaryless sometimes about such things in the midst of a scene they are aroused by…Lust often over comes listening skills.
My bottom line is, if I feel that in order to self care, I have to rebel, then something isn’t right and both partners need to do some investigating. It may be the submissive’s history or preference stuff meeting a hurdle that’s easy to take care of, but if its about the Dominant not doing his or her job of caring and protecting, then that’s just not what ought to be happening. I should not have to step out of my role if I’m the submissive to take care of myself outside of an emergency or a situation in which the buck stops with me, cause there’s no one else to decide. No one is perfect. I’m certainly not. But this is my ideal and what I wish to live by in my D/s experiences.
I’m sitting here full of a rollar coaster of emotions…
Silly, goofy, giddy ones. Just a babble inside about all sorts of random, unimportant things.
I’m tired…there’s so much to do and so much change and so much motion ahead of me…and right now….it starts right now.
I’ve made huge emotional shifts in a short period of time too. All of a sudden a big burden of emotional baggage has lifted from me and I’m so…Light. I feel suddenly and unaccountably afraid that I’m going to float away.
My whole being is still feeling some grief about my husband. Suddenly, the time of really letting him go is upon me. I’ve mentally and emotionally, given myself this time to focus on letting go of my grief…this time since winter until my summer ceremony. I gave myself time to let that burden lighten and it has. I had planned to go to my ceremony and hand over the last of it…this adoration and feeling stricken about the loss of him.
Yes. I knew it was ending…but some where in the depths of my being, I hoped it wouldn’t happen. I prayed so hard for a miracle. I did everything I knew to do…I miss him…I still feel stricken with shock that its over somewhere inside me. I pick up the myriad little gifts he’s given me and twirl them in my fingers. I put on a necklace he gave me. I look at his photos. I speak to his son. I listen to his voice on my voice mail saying he loves me. I remember his scent.
And yet…They feel foreign to me. Some other person had these things. These memories must belong to some other woman…because they don’t fit me any more. How did that happen?
Soon it will be time to put him behind me…Who am I without him?
Oh yeah…here I am. I’m this person sitting here writing to you now. I’m the one who feels like she might float away…Yeah. That’s right. There I am. I know you sweetness…That’s you my girl. *smiles*
Perhaps when this time of letting go comes, I’ll finally feel able to be his friend. I would like that. I would like there not to be any hurt and regret between us any more. He’s always been such a good friend to me. He’s a wonderful friend to have. Loyal. Reliable. Wise. *sighs…*
And I’m filled with a desire to rush out and meet the future. To open my heart again. I really do feel like an excited giddy girl wanting to experiment and explore and enjoy and embrace without any fears. I look at that self in the mirror and I think…What the hell? Just two or three weeks ago, I was speaking to M like I’d never, ever be able to trust again. *shakes head…* And tonight, I’m pondering a desire to put my face in the hand of a man and let him hold my breath…to trust him with that. To trust him with my fragility…I am not thinking about the rest of my life with him. I’m just thinking of now. In this now, he’s a good man…a man with strong hands, that I want to kiss and put my face in. If he were here right this moment, I’d ask him very humbly to give me that attention without any hesitation…and then giggle at myself while I negotiate how he does it. LOL! Yet, I want to give myself into his hands because he’s taken several other scary tweaks in these two weeks since I first laid eyes on him…and I never ever once expected that.
I’m filled with this huge desire to watch a strong wonderful man kneel for me. Sometimes I wake up to this heat in me that feels like an arrow in me. It is a sharp pleasure…a masculinity in me that I’ve never quite contended with before in this way…and its a softness that I can’t explain even as its like that. My fingers yearn to touch every inch of someone who is Mine. I want to feel him tremble…I want to bite him…Devour him. I can’t explain this desire in me…but its there.
I am filled with wonder about this deep, mostly unacknowledged wish to belong…to belong to the land in a specific place…to watch a tree grow old with me….to belong to the sea and actually get to be there…to belong to a community again…to belong to hearts that embrace me just as I am…
I want to feel the gaze of a man on me. I want to feel his hands on me as he places a collar on my neck. I want to feel the emotional reality of his loving and protection of me. There is something about that which is wordless. I have never been able to articulate it, but its deep in me, this desire. Its at the heart of my pain and shock about my husband…and yet its been freed. That part of me my husband once held is freed and wistfully open again to that. I want it. God I want it.
I want to tug on the internal leash I know exists between myself and a man kneeling beside me emotionally…Oddly enough I’ve no need to put my hands on his neck to do that. I’m content with it being an emotional bond. I’d rather give him my name. For some reason that floats my boat more. Taking my surname…*shrugs…* That feels more a collar to me with a man than anything else I could give him.
I want to make a change with my writing…I want it to serve. I want to see it and embrace it as a service…as a gift. To date, it has been Mine; My creative process and I have been thinking in the past few days that perhaps its not meant to be viewed that way…that my attitude about it is stifling it in some way. Its a very unformed thought. And I can’t put it into words. I’m not sure it makes any sense at all. I’m just going to dance with it awhile and see what forms.
I’m so ready to love again. My heart has been rejected for so long…I’m ready and overflowing with love. I feel like an orgasm on the edge of cresting…ready to spread into reality at any moment. I’m so opened. How did that happen?
Well…I know how it happened. A man gave me his dominance. He views me as rebelling most of the time…(imagine anyone’s surprise about that).
If I really was rebelling that much, I wouldn’t be in this moment as I am now…all opened up and all ready to jump into the future and all ready to love again.
I’ve no illusions that this man is my Mr. Right. Who the hell knows if he is? I haven’t known him long enough to even remotely assess that. He’s the right one to have got me to this moment emotionally and that’s a joy to me. I’m so grateful. There are simply no words for that gratitude.
I want to spend more time with him. He’s intense and funny and giving. He’s even endearingly irritating to me…which is always a good thing. It means he’s not on a pedastal. He’s a human being with foibles. That’s all I know and I’ve no need to know more despite my thrilling wish to connect in a deep way with him and see what happens.
See…I’m free and I’m so delighted by that! I find myself delighted over every little thing…I was singing the other night at his house. It just bubbled up out of me and once I heard the acoustics of his house, I had to sing loud just to enjoy them. I’m delighted in my own silliness and want to share it with other people. I’ve been blogging insane drivel on my blog on an adult site all day long…just because I could and because it amused me. I’m just enchanted with the idea of sucking on a cock…God I love that. And today I want it intensely.
I’m compelled to play with the kids. I want to curl into my cat when he comes to lay with me and engage deeply in cat naps with him, just because I love him and he loves me and its what he wants of me. I feel captivated by a sunset and by the fireflies in the nighttime. I savor every single word of the emails from my friends these days. I may not respond right away, but I’m grinning about getting one. I’m thinking about what I’d like to share. I’m thinking about what they might say in response and giggling to myself about it when I’m a smart ass…hoping they’ll play back with me. I can’t stop being intensely delighted in living…in every morsel of it…in being here. Now.
I find myself exploring every possibility as if it could be real…because it could. It could if I choose it.
I find myself having these intense dreams…waking up to feeling the stinging lash of flogger falls on my skin in full orgasm. Even in the bed, the images and fantasy sensations have my head thrown back in ecstatic expression of the real glory of being stung by a man’s desire for me. I dream of standing in the sunshine beside a tree with tears of joy streaming my face as I look into a canopy of lace against blue. I wake dreaming of my fingers kneading and exploring every inch of a man who submits to me and I feel such deep peace about that…such quiet eroticism….and the palms of my hands itch with the smart slaps that punctuate that kneading touch…*sighs…* I dreamed last night of a voice like John Malkovitch whispering to me while someone else is inside me…a man he put there…and I’m bemused. No words for that. I dozed a few minutes with the cat and started awake to male laughter ‘just sayin’…I ‘ve no memory of anything else in that…just a feeling of me giggling right along with him in delight…more delight. Even in my sleep I am delighted.
God that feels so good. Thank you, thank you, thank you…
My insides are sooo ready to forget me…to just give without stint for a long while in the weeks to come. I can’t wait. I need to forget me…to set aside all of this stuff I’ve just typed endlessly it seems. Yeah. In just two short weeks, I’ll be in the midst of forgetting me for awhile. I can’t wait.
And…I’m supposed to go to Maine this weekend coming. I need to get some stuff and put some stuff away in my storage unit…And I am afraid of walking back into the pain of where I’ve been. I want to hide. I want to not talk to anyone. I want to curl up and not go…
Its hard to push through that…
And yet the delight is there…*smiles*
Last summer I bought Alanis Morrisette’s, then, new CD called Flavors of Entanglement. Its a group of songs about love, loss and healing…It was very fitting to listen to this past year. There’s a song on it called Giggling Again For No Reason….I love that song! It fits…It fits.
As I wrote this, about 1/4 of a utube down loaded enough to get a sense of its quality…I hope it plays well for you. Its been so long since I had any music on this blog. I miss it intensely…
I have done a great deal of writing in the past couple days. A few erotic stories, and I scheduled a bunch of older erotic works too. With one it was fun to learn some of the code needed for making a post have multiple pages here on WordPress, so I hope you’ll enjoy that when you see it. Also I had occasion to look back through my archives of late. I ended up with a bunch of posts that were sort of addendums to former writing. I hope you’ll enjoy the revisits while I’m gone.
Ah…and now that I’ve completed the work of linking all these old posts here, I see what it is that is on my mind…Its a need for Tantra, for intensity, for the holy between myself and Another…Its a wistfulness for connection and nourishment that comes from Another.
Posted by Greenwoman2007 
Cuffs that engulf my wrists train me to his bed. I’m on my belly and his teeth grasp the muscle of my back pulling it up away from bone. It hurts…It hurts in ways that make me cum harsh and instantly. It hurts…almost to the point that its agony. I’ll have bruises. And I don’t care even the tiniest bit.
Posted by Greenwoman2007 
Posted by Greenwoman2007 
I’m sitting here full of a rollar coaster of emotions…
